One of the bravest things I've done for myself was to take the leap of faith into therapy and begin this journey....

On the other hand it is one of the most challenging things I have ever partaken in.

It's been about three years now since I started this journey. Ironically I started it in March of 2021. It had been less than a year since I cut all ties with my family except my cousin and my aunt whom I am very close with.

Around that time too I had ended ties with someone whom I called a friend at the time. Since then my life has quite literally turned itself down on its head. Due to personal reasons I won't be going into the nitty gritty details of everything in my life.

It's not important for strangers to know everything so I'll keep it as basic as I can but still giving enough context why I'm writing this.

I come from a very dysfunctional and toxic upbringing. My family is very religious, Reformed Christian to be exact. I've gone through, seen and have dealt with many things that I didn't deserve growing up. It has left me with many scars, both physical, emotional and sexual.

In Nov.2020 I had gotten to my breaking point. At this point in time I had a couple of friends who where being supportive in their own ways but also giving me the time and space to slowly wake up from the delusional rose colored lie I had been telling myself for many years.

My journey hasn't begun until I started to see my therapist in March as I mentioned. Throughout the years I have gone through many rude awakenings. I've learned about myself in ways I had never thought I would, I faced challenges, homelessness, hospitalizations, and many many nights crying.

That's not to say that it's all been bad, there have been so many amazing moments. But the reason I'm writing this now is because I find myself stuck between a cross road. One in which I went into great lengths with my therapist. I'm finding it harder to connect with those around me and even with my ownself.

My inner critic loves to have their voice heard time and time again, whilst my inner voice has slowly begun to make itself known. The path that lies ahead of me frightens me down to my core and while I can feel a part of me quote on quote dying inside, I'm finding it harder to allow myself to let go of that part.

Going into this I'm going to admit that I had a lot of magical thinking going on. I thought that my therapist would cure me and I would wake up one day and be the person I always dreamed of. Harsh reality hit when that didn't line up with the story I told myself.

There are so many days I want to throw in the towel and crawl back to what was comfortable because being uncomfortable every single day in a new environment that is safer, healthier and better off for me is terrifying.

Yet knowing that going back to it I would hate myself more knowing that I'm actively choosing to remain in an environment that is not healthy for me.

No one talks about how excruciatingly hard healing your inner critic, child, and mind from breaking out of a toxic cycle that you've known for years. Everyone briefly walks past it and then talks about how great their lives are on the other end.

Not the days in which you're so down in the trenches that your old thoughts, feelings and patterns begin to creep up. Even after years of work to heal from them. No one talks about how the trauma one has gone through will always be there and never just magically disappear because you've gotten into therapy.

Or how when you start this journey that you'll begin to lose so much of your old self that there are days in which you yearn for it. Yearn for the life that you once had but knowing that the you now cannot live that life again.

That you'll have such high and amazing days and wonder where all this confidence and strength has suddenly come from and in the back of your mind theres a little voice that seeps in and says "This will only last until the other shoe drops."

To some this may sound like complaining and quite frankly that's your opinion. I don't want to argue over your opinion is right or wrong because truthfully there is no right or wrong when it comes to opinions on matters like these. In your mind your opinion is right and in mine it's different.

To others this may hit too close to home and you maybe feeling the same as I do and have in the past. And to that I say hi, I see and relate to you on a level that we as strangers may never have related to before. I don't have all the answers, I don't have the quote on quote right thing to say to validate your feelings. Hell, sometimes I can't even validate my own feelings and choose to send out validation from my inner circle because my inner critic and feelings are overpowering my inner strength and voice.

I can't say it'll get easier because hell sometimes it seems like it gets worse before it gets easier. But what I can say is to hold onto hope. Not the toxic optimism and toxic hope; the kind that keeps you in denial of the situation that's right in front of your eyes (you guessed it I've been there before). But to know that you (and my self included) will run the race at the pace in which you've chosen.

As my therapist likes to say, comparison is the thief of all joy.

Don't force yourself into hope or believing that things will be okay. From experience it doesn't end well. Run the race, hell walk it if you need to. There's no right or wrong answers in this journey called life. We're all just a bunch of strangers trying to figure out how to navigate the world on our own terms and what we can help us sleep at night knowing that we're satisfied with what we put out in the world/ what we take in.

God I didn't expect this to become some unsolicitive advice post that suckers like myself would either cry at (bc it comforts me knowing someone feels the same way) or roll my eyes because of how incredibly idiotic it may come across (aka not believe every single word because I'm such a pessimistic/cynical person).

I have to quickly finish this coz I gotta go into work but yeah that's about it. All in all this journey has kicked my ass and I've been deep in thought the last couple of days and I personally wanted to put this out on here in hopes I could find solidarity in knowing that I'm not alone in my thoughts and feelings towards this journey of growing and healing.

K bye 🙃