My brother ended his own life in January.

I've always been the strong one in the family, things roll off of me, I go with the flow, I'm there for people when they need me. The past few years my brother was struggling with his divorce, his bipolar disorder took over and alcohol made his life worse. He came to visit a few years ago when it happened and I was there for him. He went home and derailed and I wasn't there for him as much as he needed.

We were 5 years apart in age. We didn't have the best childhood, it wasn't the worst either, but my brother struggling with underlying mental health issues, things affected him much more. More than I thought.. But I was a kid when this all went on, I didn't know at the time...

We grew up. He met a girl, and he got to have the life he wanted, the family dynamic he wanted. The parents who stayed together. Everything was perfect, the close family he always dreamed of... He had 2 beautiful young boys, beautiful wife, healthy life style. They decided to move to a smaller town to raise their kids in a better spot, out of the city and the bubble town they lived in.

It was stressful for him. She was on Maternity leave, and couldn't work, so he took the responsibility of provider in a new town... The stress weighed on him, and he turned to drinking to cope. To relax. To take the pressure off. Given his underlying mental health, this just made things worse for their family situation and they had to split...

He went to rehab, was doing good for a while, but the stress of not being accepted and being on the outside kept weighing heavy on him, so he continued to drink. AA meetings, action plans, self help books. He tried. He really tried.

The cycle continued for a while and there's more details to the story , but this is the sum of it. Eventually, he wasn't allowed to see his boys at all. I think after trying so hard, but failing with addiction, he felt defeated.

He met a new girlfriend, who made him happy. I seen videos of them, and the happy/silly side of him again. He was enjoying his life again, after all the battles he faced, he was able to be happy and smile. He stopped seeing his boys, and was just living his life, smiling. This went on for a while, but in the end, I believe he realized he sacrificed his boys in order to be happy again , and it ate him alive.

He took off. Said he was going for a drive to clear his head, and would be back in half hour... Instead drove out to a bridge along the highway, and hiked in quite a ways, and hung himself. He left a note on his drivers seat.

As of recent, I had been annoyed with him, my parents always talking about him and the past of our childhood and I had enough. It happened 20 years ago, why are we still talking about it , is how I felt. So I didn't reach out to him as much as he needed me to be there for him. We would text here and there, but recently not at all.... I seen him in October and we had coffee and shared a hug. He took a selfie of us, and I cannot help but wonder if he knew already what he was going to do, which is why he took the selfie.

I haven't read my part of the note yet. I can't. Everyone else has read their part. I just cant yet. I feel guilty, I feel I could have done more. I recognize everyone says that in this situation, but I absolutely know I could have done more and was just caught up in life and being silly and immature. I could have helped him. Maybe this would have happened eventually, but I could have bought more time with him.

It's been 31 days. The longest 31 days of my life. I can say, If I didn't have such a caring, beautiful, loving girlfriend, and all our special pets, I would have ended my life as well. I wish I was alone and nobody cared about me so that I could end it, and not feel guilty.

I have a hard time seeing through the fog at the moment, wondering If I'll ever be happy again... Or if I'll just put on the smile in the morning and act like everything is alright, for the rest of my life. I'm going to do my best to carry on without him, But I can see life is never going to be the same.