I dont know where to begin. I always tell my family, your problems are big problems no matter how small they may seem. but damn. I have not found joy in doing anything since last july. (July 2023).

I am 31. I got selected for this program to attend Carnegie Mellon University. I was happy with my work prior but i am always seeking the next oppurtunity to further my career. I am always looking for the next best thing as soon as i get the next best thing.

I think a lot of it comes from my father and this chip on my shoulder to please him or to live up to what hes done always takes over. but at the same time he could not give a damn. ALL he wants is for his children to be happy.

I am a first generation american. Both my mother and father came to the US undocumnted and after 20 years they got their citizenship. My father is from central america and was actaully a street begger in mexico, living in the streets and showering with farmland / sprinkler water. After all that and in between he started his own business and eventually started netting 150K for 10-15 years.

This program i am doing is at CMU and since i started, it is all i do. Morning, afternoon, night. And it seems im not imporiving or getting better. It is kicking my ass and I am sick of it. in my "spare" time, no matter what i do, all i think about is i could be using the time studying and improving. i try and work out, i try and gym, i try and watch a movie. In the back of my head, "I could be studying". I hate it. Nothing is enjoyable, nothing is fun.

anyway idk why i wrote this. There was a lot more i wanted to write. I am not sad or depressed, i just want this pohase to end. i want to do things for my self again.

Thank you fot reading. I am pretty notivated and will get through this. Time will pass.

i left alot out, idk.