Like I can’t just off myself because I cannot learn how to adult right? I am a poster child for co-dependency and instability and I can go on and on about how not having biological parents growing up was a factor, abuse, etc.. but it’s still my fault. I’ve seen all types of success stories and honestly I am at the bottom of the barrel scraping. I can’t keep a job, an apartment, hell a relationship and it’s my fault.

This whirlwind of falling on my ass has consequences outside of how bad my life is falling apart. I can’t show up for people like I want to. I’ve had to forgo projects with people counting on me, I’m living in my sister’s basement and I’m 26 years old. Like honestly, if I knew I was going to be such a loser, I would’ve offed myself already.

Unfortunately, I believe in God and the karma for me ending my life while I’m just not shit in the real world will probably result in me just burning in hell which despite how poetic and likely that is to happen anyway, no point in speeding up that process.

As of right now, I have -30 to my name, Christmas is coming around, my restrictive dieting is turning into just anoreixa which I have no plans to stop seeing as getting skinny is one of the last legit joys I have right now, I want to self harm and just sleep all day. I start a job next week and I want to hold myself accountable. I want to develop the skills necessary to not look like a fool. Even auditioned for a part that I’m hoping to get a call back from soon. A part of me obviously wants out of my own hell.

Yet, besides good intentions, what’s stopping me from getting right back to this place? People have told me since I was a kid not to unalive myself because one day it’ll get better. To do that, I’d have to be better, do better. I highly doubt, even with supreme effort, it will.