whenever i (F18) start talking about my feelings in general, my mental health or what i’m going through (etc) everyone just goes quiet. everybody is always telling me “i’m here for you” “you know you can talk to me about anything” “what’s wrong, are you okay?” “do you wanna talk about it?” and majority of the time i’m very closed off and will just say a simple answer to their question or statement because from my experience, 99% of the time people just go complete silent when i do answer their question truthfully.

for example with my best friends, they always reassure me when they can tell i’m a hard time, whether that be because i’m more quiet than usual or i’m more distant and disassociative, and that they’re always there for me and if i need someone to talk to they’re there to listen but during the rare times i do open up a little bit like i’ll mention something about a therapy session or say a little something about my situation or mental health, they completely just go silent and it’s so awkward and tense. it makes me feel so uncomfortable and awkward because they’re just staring at me with such an uncomfortable look like they don’t know what to say which is totally understandable but please don’t tell me i can open up to you and make me feel like its a safe space but when i do open up, i’m just met with awkward silence. i understand where they might be coming from but it does make me feel like shit but mostly guilty because i never want to make someone feel uncomfortable because of me, i know their intentions are good but it just teaches me to become more and more closed off.

it’s not like i’m saying stuff in detail either or saying i’m hurting myself, i never ever go into detail or share information that’s very uncomfortable for someone to hear.

the hardest one was probably when i opened up to my mom about what i’m going through, thats the last time i’ve ever opened up that much to anyone. ever since my parents finally realized how bad my mental health was and got me some help, they’ve been constantly trying to give me support and show that they are there for me, they ALWAYS reassure me that they’re there and i can come to them for anything if i want to talk about something, they will beg me to open up and cry on my bed. i remember my mom crying and sobbing to me saying “what else do i have to do sweetheart? what do i have to do to make u stay?” after she saw my cuts but one night when I finally opened up to someone which was her about my trauma and my depression, how it really feels like for someone who has mental health problems, i was crying and letting it out thinking she’ll finally understand why i am the way i am but all she did was stare back at me with such an uncomfortable look and got up and left me outside our porch in the middle of the night and never spoke about it ever again.

There’s more experiences I’ve had like this but those are just the ones that really affected me a lot and made me realize a few things.

I really really do understand where they might be coming from, I understand that people might not know what to say as it can be heavy for them and it may be really hard to put into words but god it makes me feel like complete shit. It makes me bottle my feelings up even more, I don’t expect them to be like a therapist and have a whole convo with me about it but a few words or sentences that shows they’re actually trying to understand me and validate what I’m going through is better than just awkward staring and silence. Especially when they make me feel like it’s a safe space opening up to them.