I've been single my while life. Not by choice, and not for lack of trying to be with someone. But it hasn't happened. And I often feel ill these days. I worry I'm going to end up terminally ill one day (if I'm not already) and it'll make what was already difficult into an impossibility. I don't know how I would accept that.

I know there are more important things in life than romantic attraction. I know it wouldn't fix the things that are wrong with me, either. It might even make my life worse, given my anxiety and lack of self-worth. But I can't help it. Finding a partner is my primary imperative. I can't turn it off. Even if it's destroying me, I can't turn it off.