im so tired. im so, so so utterly exhausted of this life. I am not suicidal but I just want this numbing pain to end.

I (F19) have been a survivor of emotional / mental abuse, racial discrimination, microaggressions, (the whole can of worms ) growing up as a child and felt forced to find a sense of self-worth in the books and academia, the only world where I felt like I meant something. I did well for a while but over the years faced burnout especially after doing a very rigorous programme in my high school.

I am currently now in my first year of university in sciences, which I absolutely hate but is a safe bet compared to the other options (because well, job security and people won't misjudge my intelligence!)

I face daily struggles with depression, anxiety, anhedonia, insomnia, and I was also recently diagnosed with ADHD last year. I am starting to think im on the spectrum.

I am losing my hobbies and interests in everything. I feel like I am slowly turning into a robot that does nothing but slaves away at her assignments. I have NOTHING I enjoy anymore. not even watching YouTube videos or scrolling on reddit. it all seems like a waste of time to me, and it is only growing more and more apparent how time is just slipping through my fingers everyday. soon I will be 20. then 30. then 40, 50, 60--death is coming so quickly.

I also recently broke up with my ex due to conflicting values/interests, but I have already booked a plane ticket to his place (a different country) from my location and the ticket is non-refundable. I cannot go home because it is not a safe place for me, mentally and emotionally. essentially I have a round-trip ticket with no place to stay for 2 weeks during the winter.

I am not talking to many people about this because I don't really know the people at my university too well (it's only been 1.5 months) and friends from my previous school are also going through many hardships on their own. not only this, but I have been labelled as a "mentally sick" individual in the past for opening up about all of these problems, and I do not want to reinforce this idea by seeking support in fellow peers. it may be related to stigma but I also want to protect myself in this way. however this is a lonely journey and I can only become more cynical and pessimistic by the second.

I am currently starting anti-depressants again and seeking a counsellor, but I cannot really find a long-term counsellor that can fit my needs due to financial strain, which my father has most power over. he is not a believer of mental health/therapy and is not super supportive of me getting the mental health aid I need.

I need a break. I NEED A BREAK FROM LIFE. but I do not know how to get one. I cannot go home because it is the root of my many traumas. I have nobody that can help me. I want to disappear and simply fade away from this universe, because I feel like I can add nothing to this world.

I am scared that I am going down a dark path. They say the first year at university is hard, but this is unbearable. I cannot sleep at night and it's killing me. I don't know what to do anymore.