I am so pissed off right now, and there's nothing I can do about it.

I have a biweekly group I attend that I usually enjoy. I don't get out much, and the subject matter gives me something stimulating to talk about. So we get to the thing I brought in and people have questions and feedback I wasn't expecting. And I'm internally both sad and seething, not because any of what anyone said was unfair, but because I always end up mad at myself for missing obvious details or failing to do research. So we discuss someone else's work, and we part ways, and I'm angry because no one recognizes that I'm angry. I know, I'm insane. But it pisses me off how often I end up carrying the weight of my feelings only for nobody to notice. And I can't help thinking "maybe they do know, and they just hate me." Which probably isn't the case, but the real reason (that they don't notice and don't think to ask) somehow feels worse! Sometimes I feel like the only way for anyone to pick up on my needs is to jump on top of the nearest table and take a steaming shit. It wouldn't solve my problems, but at least someone might start asking questions.

I'm also trying to get to know someone from the group. Part of my interest was romantic (I didn't tell her that), but told me she'd been through a breakup and wasn't ready for that. So fine, I said we could be friends. And really, I'm okay with being friends. Part of what drew me to her was how her work resonated with me more than most people in the group, so for now I'm happy being in her orbit at any capacity. But being friends is hard! And by that I mean, I'm scared of overdoing it. We met privately at a cafe a few weeks ago, and I wouldn't shut up about my personal work, although I did ask about her work and life and generally tried to get to know her. But now I'm afraid to ask more of her, because I initiate every conversation, which means that at best she's neutral towards me, and at worst I'm just a pest she deals with out of pity. And I can't know which is true. I know I should believe the best in friends, but goddamn, I am REALLY tired of being burned or ignored! And I'm not saying she's doing that, or that any of this is her fault. It's my fault, like almost everything is my fault. But it's all so much pressure, and I just want to be vulnerable with someone and have some fun so badly, and every time it sours or goes wrong! And I'm so tired. Life is so empty, and painful (literally, I have chronic flare ups of intestinal pain), and I just want some form of intimacy to be EASY. Or at least something that isn't confined to a goddamn Discord server.

Now that my ramble is over, let's establish a quick FAQ:

YOU NEED THERAPY!

Yes, I have a therapist. But therapy is a process, not an easy button. Telling someone to talk with a therapist about a right-now problem (outside of a genuine emergency) is not helpful, it's just a reminder that most people can't or don't want to relate to what I'm feeling in the moment.

YOU SOUND LIKE AN ASSHOLE!

The possibility exists. However, before coming to this conclusion, please remember that this an emotionally charged snippet of my life colored by personal bias without full context. As such, please contemplate whether you are being helpful or generative before passing blanket judgments.

YOU SHOULD DO _____!

This is a vent, so I'm not particularly looking for advice. If you believe you have helpful advice then you may share it here, but please keep in mind I'm not looking for prescriptive notes right now. I'm just processing.

YOU SHOULD LEARN TO TAKE CRITICISM!

Yeah. I know. But it's hard, and I clearly have some issues to work out. Furthermore, my issue is with my inner critic, not external critics, and I don't begrudge people for pointing out important shit that I miss. I just get angry at myself, and I don't know how to solve that problem right now.

MAYBE YOU JUST SUCK AT WHAT YOU DO!

Wow, really? Okay, well, thanks for the vote of confidence there.

NOW YOU'RE JUST USING THIS HYPOTHETICAL FAQ TO VENT ABOUT OTHER EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE ON REDDIT TO MITIGATE THE ANXIETY YOU FEEL ABOUT POSTING ON AN ONLINE PLATFORM, BECAUSE YOU GET IN SO MANY FIGHTS ONLINE THAT PREPARING FOR THE WORST IS YOUR PITIFUL ATTEMPT AT MENTALLY PREPARING YOURSELF FOR ANOTHER EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN.

Yeah, well...shut up.