im so fucking scared of trying to be optimistic. im not even sure anymore if it’s being delusional, and being out of touch reality.

im afraid i’d hope for good things to happen, and it’ll get jinxed instead and turn our for the worst.

sometimes, whenever im anticipating for a certain event on a certain date to happen, i’ll count down the remaining days to see how much longer i have to survive. but then i think, “what if im just counting down the days of a catastrophe to happen in my life???”.

whenever i think, “oh my god, cant we just fast forward to 2024 already??” a really really anxious and negative though consumes it with “what if in 2024, something bad will happen? what if someone you love passes away??”

it’s just so hard. it’s hard being ambitious, optimistic, positive. because you’re not even certain. it could even lead to disappointment, which is one of the worst feelings ever.