Tw: mentions of Self Harm

Hey everyone. I (18M) have a horrific addiction to masturbation. Like, 10-20 times a day. And I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate how my penis literally bleeds constantly due to ripping open scabs. I hate how much it has affected my daily schedule. I hate it so so much.

But I’m scared of what happens if I stop.

I’ve grown up extremely alone. Family hated me, friends were jerks, and my love life was a joke. My love life is what sent me down this path. I won’t get into specifics, but basically I have never kissed a girl before, and my school, classmates and friends constantly called and treated me like a freak because of it. One day, I tried to hang out with one of my friends and asked her out. She started at me, laughed in my face, called me a homophobic slur, and walked away. I went home that night and committed sh. It was the only thing I could feel anymore: pain. But I wanted to stop. So I traded one addiction for another. It’s the only thing that allows me to feel any kind of warmth anymore, physical and emotional, even if it’s fake. I just can’t take it anymore. I’m terrified of becoming suicidal if I do stop, but I hate how much this has affected my life. Idk what to do.