TW: Abuse, depression, SW

I've told friends, family and therapists nuggets of the story but never in its entirety. For obvious reasons some of the info will be altered.

I started dating late. TV kept convincing me that if I stayed a virgin long enough, I'd be a loser. This idea festered in my mind and I made a (in hindsight) poor decision to use a dating platform to say "looking for my first kiss and maybe something more!" To my surprise, I actually got a response.

We talked and things were really good. We agreed to meet up and the first date went well and I got a flirty "I'll make our second date more memorable". So I got excited and that's pretty much how I lost my virginity.

By that point we had opened up about so many things. How I had depression and how low I went. She opened up about some very serious things. Some things from her family that bordered on abuse, some awful relationships and a very serious SW incident. This openness made us feel comfortable with each other. But one thing kind of made me feel uncomfortable- how she was so willing to sleep with someone. Like she was in some strange love triangle and she basically fucked the guy repeatedly during the week she was "in the running" but he chose the other girl instead. When I met her parents for the first time, they said "isn't he too good for you?" to her face. It was at that point where I resolved to make her happy and help her see the light.

So I did. I tried to go above an beyond as a boyfriend (like basically be her tutor after work, take her to fancier places to eat and do everything to help her overcome her body image and self-esteem issues). I did make some hiccups now and then and a few led to fights. Her usual thing was to take a day to calm down and we'd talk like normal people. But the time between talking and silence grew longer and longer and I was getting anxiety attacks. We finally sat down and I told her my issues with her silence and how talking things out after a reasonable cooling down period would be better. It worked! She listened!

Things were at an all time high for the year following that conversation. It got to the point where we were discussing about living arrangements and getting her ring size. My family and friends said that this was the happiest they'd ever seen me. We made things work through COVID (she caught it on her birthday so I slid her gift through her mail slot and sang her Happy Birthday through the window. Complete with balloons!). But something happened, something snapped. She started to get angry over small things. Like I was kind of watching something on the side during a call and she ghosted for 4 days. The ironic part is that when she did the same thing and I got upset, she asked why I was mad. The ghosting got longer and longer. Things got worse when she started weaponizing the things I told her during our early conversations. She told me that "I was never there for her" which hurt because I spent hours upon hours getting her through school and even leaving work in the middle of the day when she had a panic attack. I was also called "a disappointment" and "useless". I did not once hear an apology and she assumed sex would be a suitable apology. It's hard to be an apology when we were pretty much going at it every chance we got. But for some stupid ass reason I chalked these things up to frustration, thought she'd change and decided to wait it out. I tried to dull the pain with alcohol. After she called me "a fucking disappointing boyfriend" and ghosted I ended up drinking my self to the point of blacking out because the pain wouldn't simply go away.

It was at this time, I decided to come clean to my doctor and get myself on anti-depressants, a doctor recommended therapist and get my mental condition formally diagnosed. To get that, I had to talk to a "suicide assessor" to gauge the risk I was to myself and others. It was essentially a therapy session and he asked if I was going through emotional stress. I spilled the beans. He said "can I be honest with you? Why the fuck do you put up with that?" In hindsight, he was right.

I endured that emotional abuse for another year. Once again, I snapped and had the same conversation we had a year plus ago about how her silence and verbal barbs were affecting me. This time she went on the offensive and reeled off a list of excuses. I was so upset that I snapped and I told her straight up “if you’re unhappy with me you’re free to go. I’m not stopping you. But if you want to stay, we need to work on things. So what do you want to do?” She was silent. She said she'd stay and work on it. It lasted a grand total of thirty days when everything collapsed.

As part of her school program, she needed people (not affiliated with the school) to work with. The other women in her class had their significant others come at the snap of a finger and she got mad that I wouldn't do that despite working. Another part of this was that you had to be there for 10 hours. I asked if we could break up the second 10 hour shift into two 5 hour ones and she got angry again and ghosted. Note- she has THREE siblings here and none of them stepped up. At that time, I grew a pair and decided my sanity was snapping and she was the weight pulling me down. I resolved that I will sit through her second session and leave afterwards. I promised that I'd see my portion through and I keep my promises. So I sat through it and said we had to talk. I told her that I couldn't do it any more. I told her I thought she'd change and we'd move forward. She sat there in silence. The only thing she said? "I won't wait for you, you know". And that was that.

It's been close to 18 months since I ditched her and therapy has helped me curb my destructive habits and helped me understand what happened and how to heal the wounds that woman caused.