Four years ago, I met a girl on Tinder. We hit it off, started dating and a month or so later it was all official. Maybe a month passes and her parents are in town, time to meet the parents! Nervous as ever, I put my best foot forward. That day, I made her and her sister breakfast and minutes later there was that fateful knock at the door. Introductions were made and so on. Myself, the parents, my partner, two of her sisters and one of three brothers are gathered in the living room. I'm getting "picked on" left, right and centre, as expected and all in good nature.

A family meeting is called and I give my partner the "should I take a walk?" look. I'm asked to stay, happily. In fact, I remember us all sitting down and GF and sister bite into the breakfast bagels I'd made. Perfectly poached egg yolks splash lusciously out the sides and I sit with a tiny "yeah, the new boy can cook" kinda smile haha. Boy, was I not ready for what came next. The parents weren't in town for leisure. Dad had been in hospital the day prior. The big C was here in a big way and there wasn't much time on the clock. What a way to meet the parents.

The air grew heavier every day, but we fell deeper and deeper in love. COVID and the accompanying lockdowns hit. Myself, GF, sister & partner all share a house throughout. Life was great as it could be all considered.

Xmas 2021 comes around eventually. It was a heavy-hearted affair. Dad has deteriorated, but is hanging in there like a goddamn champion. We enjoy Xmas and eventually all fly home. The next day, we get the news. Time ran out. GF flew back immediately, I stayed to keep life moving and the house in order etc etc.

She spent maybe 4 months away supporting her mother and siblings. We had decided to move up to the beach and really begin our lives together. So I kept working and trying to get my foot in the door for work in our desired destination. She returned home and we carried on with our mission. It was tough. She was struggling with her mental health every day and I did everything I could to be a supportive man and to begin creating a foundation for our new life.

I can't say I was perfect. I wasted a lot of money on "living in the moment" you know? Trying to make the mundane a little brighter and fight off the shadows.The smallest inconvenience would set her off every day. I'd wake up to a screaming fit over a broken eyeliner or an outfit that didn't work. We'd go out for dinners or drinks or buy ganja we couldn't afford just to try and have a nice day. I fell back into my own addictions and dragged her away from a healthy recovery. All best intentions, but we were both tired and couldn't get back into good headspaces.

I'm a chef by trade and I'm not exaggerating when I say I work minimum 55hr to an average 68hr week. Every week. I've never had a holiday in my life and with so much at stake, I was working myself to the bone to try and fill the financial hole made by my re-emerged addictions as well as get us moving.

Late '22 we both got work in a fine-dining venue. I was over the moon. Chef kicked my ass every day. I cried on the line, in front of customers twice haha. But I loved it. She was struggling big time. Hated the job and hated life and herself. We were both declining. I had become dirty and messy, her, demotivated and severely depressed. There was a month where on three occasions, we went out for casual drinks. 3-5 beers each and then off home. She would snap out of nowhere and either start screaming down my throat about god-knows-what. On one occasion she simply said "fuck you" andstormed out of the bar. We were having a drink with my friend for my birthday. I chased after her and right out front of the bar she told me she wanted to break up. I asked her to wait a moment while I collected my backpack and we'd head home and talk things through. I came back out and she was gone.

I got home and confronted her about that night and the previous ones. "I blacked out, drunk, I don't remember a thing" was the response to each occurrence. I never for a second believed it. We drank lightly at that time and trust me when I say, we can both seriously hold our liquor haha. We smoothed things over, but both ended up walking out on the fancy new job. Her, due to the stress etc combined with recent loss. I understood. I left with her because hell, we were leaving town shortly anyway and with my network of fellow chefs, I was employed again an hour after quitting that job.

She took the rest of the year off and then we went to Xmas '22. I didn't want to go. I'm not ab Xmas guy anyways and being peak season for work, it was a good time to put extra money in our pockets. I was under some pretty heavy financial stress at the time. She told me she needed me there. First Xmas without dad. I didn't argue any further, I was going to be there. So we went. I hated every second, not because I'm not Christmassy, but because I was having constant anxiety attacks about our finances. Her brother had recently landed a new job paying some seriously good money and it drove me into the ground knowing I should have been at work.

Just before the end of the trip, she told me she would be spending a few weeks after Xmas out in the country with her sister. I thought it was a good idea. Get out of the city for a while, get some fresh air, all that jazz. I declined when she asked me to join her. I HAD to return to work as she had removed herself from the lease on our home before Christmas and had barely worked in the last 12months anyway.

We said our "see you soons" and she took off on her little holiday and I got on the bus for 10hrs and went straight back to work. I had one day off over three weeks until she returned. God was I happy to see that smile walk back in the door. Strangely enough, I came home from work and she'd cooked dinner. Two nights straight. I really don't mean for it to sound nasty, but that was an immediate red flag. In just shy of four years that was the most I'd seen her cook. Seriously.

That night, I'd gone for a glass of water after sexy time. I'd just left the bedroom when she blurted out "I'm breaking up with you" I felt my soul die almost immediately. 4 years of physical and emotional fatigue came crashing down all at once. We tried talking it out. She told me I had let her down. The house was a mess and I hadn't moved us up to the beach yet. We had established a plan during the previous Xmas. I needed her to come back and work for like 2 months just to help out. We had agreed on it. Later that week, her entire family came down. They all had tickets to her late father's favourite band. I declined the invite. The day after, she took off on another holiday, leaving one of her brothers on my couch for a week.

After he finally returned home, I fell to pieces. Anxiety attacks resulting in fainting during service at work. Bills piled up rapid-fire. My mental state went straight down the tube. All her belongings still here. I was left in our home, thrown away with all the furniture and belongings she was running from. I was glued to my phone almost 24/7 flooding her with everything from lovesick messages to horrible abuse. I'd hustled some meth out of desperation to fight the exhaustion and keep on working. That really fucked me up. I attempted to take my own life after the third day up. I was forced to take a second job, hello 90hr weeks.

There was a short period where we were speaking over the phone. She crushed me completely. "I thought you'd be okay... I thought we'd come back together later, stronger". I still can't comprehend that. After everything.... She just walked away leaving me in that situation expecting to just waltz back in at her convenience. It drove me further into depression and some psychotic behaviours. I don't really know, I haven't been able to get to a doctor or anything. I started treating her worse and worse. Constantly abusing and guilting via text/Facebook/wherever I could.

We've cut off all contact now. It was all for nothing. I'm trying to be better but I don't know what to do or where to turn. My family all live overseas. My few friends and I all work conflicting rosters so no social life. I just don't know where to start to begin healing. I really want and need to be better. I've stumbled into a couple of opportunities that I may have already ruined because of my inability to keep my head screwed on properly. I've lived on our jar of coins for the pool table for a month after getting fired from my 2nd job. I live on cup-a-soups, rice and whatever scraps I can take from work as well as my shift meal. I take a bus to work in the AM and walk 1hr25 home in the PM.

I'm just so furious and it's destroying me. I'm always angry and I want to blame it all on her. I do blame her. Though I know that's not right. I'm all twisted about, I don't sleep. I leave voicemails at 5am and send horrible messages to her even though I'm completely cut off and blocked anyway. I've had to enter into a Part IX debt agreement (bankruptcy lite) to keep myself from drowning. Even then, I have to wait a couple weeks for the vote, but I'm wasting away every day.

I just don't know where or how to start. I need to move forward. I need to heal and be healthy. I'm so tired. I'm exhausted and destitute. Finally got abs again I guess? Ha. I know it's probably (probably definitely) not healthy right now, but there's a completely unintended and unexpected new little cute romance thing going on idk.

I'm not trying to rush my healing process at all. I know it takes time, but this is just too much for me to process correctly and I'm cut off from any meaningful help. I can't afford to see my GP and mental healthcare is ridiculously inaccessible financially for me. I've always backed myself and built myself. I really needed her help to get us into our next chapter and now I have nothing. I'm not a career guy. I'll explore opportunities, but I'm dead serious when I say that love is the most important thing. Literally all I want in life is to wake up in and come home to .. a home, not just a structure I live in. A home. We were so close and now the proverbial rug has been pulled I'm just.... Messed up about it. I'm likely being dramatic but it's the highest form of treachery in my eyes...

It's 4am and I've definitely stopped making sense I think. If you're reading this, thanks I guess. I just don't know where to turn or what to do. I'm hungry, cold and falling further and further behind. I'm losing myself and becoming bitter, aggressive and genuinely unpleasant to be around. I want me back. I want my love for myself back. I need to stop feeling like she owes me or should fix this. I just. Fuck.

.if you're here, cheers. Sorry about the word salad. I'm a mess.