I never want to fuck up, I assume most people don’t want to but they do. Every time I tell myself that I need to sort myself out but I always revert to my old self, which ended up really hurting someone. If anything, I wanted her to point out my flaws, for some reason it just makes me realise that no matter how hard I truly will never be a better person, that I’ll always be this piece of shit. You just know it’s bad when they feel like you don’t care, even when it’s the complete opposite. I’ve chosen to let go of her, even if it deeply bothers and that I’ll no longer be able to check in on her, just to make sure she’s okay and achieving her dreams.

I’ve never felt this lonely for a good year, since she came into my life. I’m okay surrounded by my mates, going out and doing all of this and that but as soon as I enter my room, I just want to end it all. I even took a walk around London, not knowing if I’ll end it, I didn’t because I like to believe these are temporary feelings and that it may get better, there’s a little hope. I don’t even see myself getting to my mid 20s, tbh I never saw myself reaching past 16 but here I am at 19.

I don’t know if I’m feeling this way because of the breakup or that I’m realising I lost my biggest source of happiness? I don’t think I should even be in another relationship, just in case I fuck up someone else. Maybe I’m a little jealous of her, she’s an absolute stunner, inside and out, hence why she has no problem finding someone else but me? I’m just someone who causes problems.

I don’t even know why I’m typing all of this here, I honestly think I need to contact my therapist, just so I don’t fuck my life up anymore.