it’s been really hard to not engage with her but i’m so happy i haven’t. i’ve done too much work to let myself revert back to those old habits.

we started dating end of high school, i was 17 she was 16. we dated steadily for 2 years. then one day she told me she was moving out of her parents and that we needed to break up. of course she kept talking to me and fucking me off and on, letting me believe there was a chance we would be together again. for a long time we practically were dating again but without the label due to her many reasons (excuses) that she couldn’t commit to me. i even moved to another state and she bought a one way ticket there to visit me and didn’t tell me till after she bought it. she stayed for over a month. she refused long distance though and started fucking around with someone. which i mean whatever we’re not together but she completely stopped putting effort into our friendship, only coming to me when convenient for her and expecting my same affection as if nothing had changed.

end of last year i found out one of my old coworkers/friends died of a fentanyl overdose. i was heartbroken and asked if she would call me at some point that day/night because she was my best friend at the time. she said of course. then that night she asks if we can “rain check”. why? because she’s at some person’s place of course! i even begged her to just step out for 5-10 minutes so i could talk to someone. she refused. it broke me so much. obviously i had jealousy over her sleeping with someone, but it was the fact that just as a friend if your friend asks to call and you say you will especially after they find out some traumatic shit don’t just bail on them ? she had all this bullshit reasoning “i didn’t even know you were that close, i don’t owe you anything, it’s unfair”. yeah no one owes me anything, i hoped you wanted to be there for me. i knew with 1000% certainty if the roles were reversed id have the decency to tell my fuck buddy “hey my friends going through a hard time i’m going to call them brb” and id call. even that’s pretty low empathy, but it would be SOMETHING. she couldn’t be bothered to feel she did anything wrong. so we were both angry and just stopped talking. she started dating (and a band with lmfao) the person she was with that night shortly after. this was news years eve.

then last night i’m watching something on tv with my roommate and my phone buzzes. it’s her. i just say “what the fuck???” and decline. i had her blocked on everything, i don’t know how she called me, i probably unblocked her drunk one night and forgot to reblock. i put my phone away and when i looked later she called again 10 minutes after the first time.

i’m incredibly curious what she would have said. i thought maybe her new person broke up w her, but they still have pictures on instagram and are supposedly doing a show tonight (ok i behaved self control in not responding but couldn’t help but do a bit of instagram stalking).

this leaves out so much toxic shit over the years, so many ups and downs, but i thought she was the love of my life and that i wasn’t good enough for her but now she’s calling me. not sure what to make of it.

i was also thinking a LOT yesterday how much less dramatic my life is without her in it. i’m seeing someone else now that’s so easy going and sweet and gives me attention/security even though it’s a casual relationship. im very glad i didn’t answer. if it was important enough (like “sorry for standing you up when your friend died”) she could text.

just needed to get that out here because i know my friends are tired of hearing about her.