(tagged for potential sexual content, though not implied.)

Ive been trying to find a caretaker or a pair of caretakers for my moments when I feel vulnerable. This is not in a sexual way however, since little space can be seen as a fetish, but it's more for regression therapy. The reason is because of my poor childhood. When I was nine, my mother passed away with cancer and ever since, my dad has been cruel to me with neglect and his drinking. He married another woman after a time, but she would get drunk constantly and abuse me verbally, mentally, and even physically. It took me so long to get out of the situation and eventually, I have. As far as my PTSD, anxiety, and depression, I have gotten better, but I always reminesed about the days when I was younger and how well taken care of I was. I guess the thing I wanted all this time was a normal family, a family that loved me, and taught me more than what my dad ever did or even bothered to do.

Knowing that it's more known as a fetish, I tried to find something on FetLife, but no one has posted in the group for months. I've tried to find Discord groups with littles and caregivers in them, but I just never felt like I really fit in with it, especially being older (30.) And now, I feel stuck and lost, as if I'll never find a dynamic like that in my life and that I'll be stuck trying to figure things out for the rest of my life.

I know that it seems ridiculous, considering many people have grown up fine without a parent figure or they lost one and we're still fine. I know it seems absolutely ridiculous that I would be complaining about this especially since it seems immature, but I guess it's kinda like yelling at a wall or writing in a journal, expecting someone to respond. I'm just stuck and I need to find love in a parental kinda way, something I don't remember fully having. If that makes sense.