I love her, and she loves me. I can’t verbalise the connection we had. I vividly remember the goodness in her heart, the purity in her eyes, the child-like joy in her laughter, and the softness of her gentle touch.

We met in a magical city as students and moved in together shortly after. I got a job and moved to the city where she was already employed. We spent most days being like children after pretending to be adults during working hours. We explored and traveled, did everything together.

However, that connection was so pure it became sibling like. We weren’t intimate in the sexual sense, for the last 2 years of our relationship, which was also the reason why I broke up with her. At the time, it felt like a mutual decision, but now I know it was mine.

I do not regret it, as I am becoming the man I want to be, and the lack of sex drive and hormonal imbalance during our relationship was doing me a big disservice. I tried everything, to fix the situation but we couldn’t do it over those 2 years. It came to a point where I couldn’t imagine myself being with her in that way. So, we parted ways.

However, the silver lining is that shortly after she got the job of her dreams. I am so proud of her, she had been talking to me about it since the day we met. I still get tears when I think about it.

It would have been our 4 year anniversary 12 days ago. As I walk trough this concrete jungle, I feel a hollow silence. Every first memory of every corner I’ve been through was made with her along my side. I find it difficult to walk anywhere and not shed a tear as I have her in my mind.

I don’t feel like I have anyone to speak to. I feel like I’m very alone. I am overwhelmed with bitter sweet sadness, a nostalgic memory of what used to be heaven covered in the harshness of reality.

I work. I work and I work out a lot. I’ve faced my emotions on a daily basis since we made the decision, but these past few days I feel like I’ve been just running away from them both physically and mentally.

My heart aches, and my eyes are sore.