and it scares me. it comes in waves.

no one knows. i will not put this on them.

i choose not to hurt myself anymore because my medications give me the option not to.. but they don’t take away the pain. the pain that has always been there. the pain that leaves for moments only to come back. the pain that only momentarily subsided with drugs, or hurting myself, or being in love.

normal people aren’t like this.

i know i’m less of a burden alive than i am dead but the s option feels so easy. that’s all i want sometimes. it feels like i’ve tried everything.

the resources don’t help. nothing really helps.

normal people aren’t like this. but i’m not normal. and i don’t know if i ever will be healthy enough to keep the thoughts at bay.

the longer i choose to live the less people i will hurt, so long as i don’t have children.

but i don’t feel strong enough. i never have. i’m afraid i never will. and there is no one that i trust enough to tell this burden too.

this weight is too heavy for someone to carry. and i refuse to put it on someone else.