this isn’t some “realization that i need a life” or “need friends” i have people around me that i’d like to think care but i feel so alone in it all, no matter what i tell people they seem to just tell me i need to keep myself busy or need to do something with my life. but i am and have been. for so long i’ve been trying to destruct myself and have t wanted anything more then to love myself and be able to love others around me. i have the living others part down. i’ve been known for good advice and recommended as someone to talk to but i can’t seem to help myself nor find help. i’m so tired of trying and trying and trying but getting absolutely nowhere. i get berated by my girlfriend when i want attention because “she’s always busy” and even when she’s not she wants “alone time” yet i give that to you and when i need it or when i’m busy i get berated for not responding or “talking to other people” when all i do is wait for her response. i feel too needy i feel like i annoy her more then make her happy. and i’m scared she’ll find comfort and happiness in someone else :(. i’m so tired of being abused mentally, sexually, and physically and not being able to do anything about it because i don’t want to hurt them. i feel used and disgusting with myself, no matter how much i scrub the feeling never leaves. i’m too nasty to be loved or touched my anyone. and when i am i feel like i’m a disease, i feel like a disease that doesn’t deserve to be here. and no amount of boiling water hitting or cutting can fix that. i’m stained. tainted. used up, and now ready to be thrown to the curb. i want help yet i never seem to find it wherever i look. i feel lost. and can’t shake that feeling. i’m sorry to anyone i’ve hurt i never meant to. nor wanted to. i’m sorry that i can’t be the ideal son, boyfriend, brother, uncle. i’m sorry i let you down. i’m so sorry.