I sit here sipping coffee and enjoying a cigarette reminiscing on everything that's led me here. May sound kind of funny but looking back on mistakes and poor choices is common now where as before I was practically incapable of seeing the monster for myself until it became too much, even for me. So it's kind of strange being able to see after all of this time. Out of all the ways I could have seen, it had to be the one final time I pushed someone away that would have stayed by my side in the most inexcusable, hypocritical, blame shifting, abhorrent way possible. Recollection shows you believed in me more than I ever believed in myself despite using a tough, intimidating persona to get all the things I thought I needed. Remembering it all is very bittersweet for the exchange of all the lessons I learned, all the years we spent attached at the hip, and the many more that could have been. You deserve the best in life and to be able to achieve your dreams for all I've made you endure.

I know apologies mean nothing from me anymore, because I didn't learn from them, a common phrase I've used before, but I spelled one out with the first word of every sentence anyway. I won't ever stop apologizing when it comes to you. I thought the kindness that oozed from me could outweigh the toxicity at my core, but it was just a mask. I believed in the person I thought I was, not the villain I became.

It's almost as if the phantom thieves were a real thing and stole the greatest treasure I had from my palace, my world of distorted views. Not that it's anything to be proud of but I could have made for a pretty harrowing boss battle. Given symbolism I have a pretty clear image of how I would appear.

A giant serpent with cindered wings for all of the times I flew too close to the sun and came crashing down. Looming over the arena with arms outstretched, a wire connecting a finger to each doppelganger of people close to me, fingers pulling their strings. Even a long serpent like tongue coated in silver. X's for pupils in button like eyes stitching my face together, with metal adornments fixed to a wicked smile.

I knew all of the right things to say to keep people tethered to me. I'll not speak my name but I'm certain this all spelled it out in some fashion.

I didn't even see it until months ago.

I was a blooming villain.