Throwaway account because I just want this out there.

I (F/35) met this guy (M/36) on a language exchange app more than four years ago (in Dec of 2018) and naturally, we developed feelings for each other due to the texts and calls. I just got a new job at that time that requires me to speak Spanish and while I already spoke the language, I’m not a native so I decided to try that app and I found him. I’m from Asia and he’s from Latin America btw. Both single.

We would text every day and call each other from time to time and talk for hours. We would comfort each other. We shared our life with each other. We say ‘te quiero’ or ‘te quiero mucho’ to each other (him being the one to say it first in April 2020). We weren’t in a relationship but we both acknowledge that what we feel for each other is not friendly or platonic.

So today after almost five years of talking to each other, I decided to stop talking to him because it seems like he’s met someone on Tinder (he told me last week that his friends signed him up) and I always told him that’s what’s going to happen whether it’s me or him who meets someone. I’m actually not sure now if he really met someone or if he just got tired of texting and the occasional calls because lately his messages have been sporadic. Or if he got tired me of saying that I’m out if he meets someone.

In 2020 he lost his job, got sick with chronic body pain, had to move back home with his parents, and got depressed because of it all. He said he had plans to visit me in my country before all of that happened. I moved here to Spain a few months ago and I said maybe I could fly over since I’m a little closer to his country now but he doesn’t want me to spend so much on flights and stuff and because he knows I’m also struggling here since it’s my first time living alone.

Of course it wasn’t all great. He would disappear for a few days at a time and I would, too, but when I do, he gets upset he even wanted me to tell him whenever I needed some time off and I said that it would also be great if he could tell me when he needs to do it since there’s no one else for me to ask but, then I told him we shouldn’t be doing that since we’re not in a relationship (he agreed and said that even if we were, we should be free to do that). And he can’t make up his mind about me. He told me he doesn’t believe in long-distance relationships but we kept this going for almost five (5) years (it’s not a romantic relationship but it still is a relationship right?).

We never sent each other anything, not even postcards. He wouldn’t give me his address because his parents wouldn’t let him (he moved back with them when he lost his job and got sick). And he lied to me about his real name (he didn’t tell me his real surname) and I found out about it two years ago (verified his identity by asking him to send me his identity card). He was apologetic and said it was for security reasons since he lives in Mexico. That time he told me he would understand if I wanted to stop talking to him but I didn’t and now I’m thinking I should have.

I’m also on dating apps (Tinder, Bumble, Hinge) but I’m just wired to be monogamous, and since he’s that ‘one’ in my life atm, I’ve never gone out with anyone from those apps (and no one has invited me out either tbh).

Anyway, I knew this day would come but it still hurts and I feel so stupid. There were obvious red flags that I ignored and I let myself down again. I guess I just want some kind, reassuring words from anyone or maybe also other insights. Thank you.