Several years ago my mother killed herself, and it's something I keep to myself a lot. Shes always been suicidal ever since I was young, I remember her "going away" to which ended up being a mental health facility And I remember her saying things like "I want this song played at my funeral" "make sure they bury me in this" and I didn't realize that it wasn't normal until much later I remember that I had to commit her to a facility 6 months before she was successful, the look of hate in her green eyes, I still dream of them even after 6 years, I remember vividly.

The day before, I knew she wasn't feeling good mentally so I got her to get around, I drove her around, and got her food, played her favorite music. And there was no spark in her eye, nothing there. But she has one request, there was a sunflower field outside of town that was supposed to be in bloom, so we drove around for like an hour to see it. However we didn't, and I drove her home. I took her home and after staying a couple hours she seemed to perk up and I felt more confident leaving her. So i kissed her goodbye and I left, her green eyes sad as we parted ways, and I never saw her alive again.

I was at work when I got the call, it was her, her voice strained and odd, as she with careful consideration chose the last words id hear from her. " I love you, and I'm proud of you". And hung-up on me, I raced home calling over and over and I called the police and they had multiple reports already as I was the last she called.

We searched the whole county all day and all night, which I stayed at her place in case she came home. And I awoke to a knock, and with a heavy heart opened my door to police and grievance counselors. They told me they found her I'm a field outside of town, the same field she had requested we find the day before.

I helped my mom scout out where she killed herself without realizing

And ill never forgive myself for being so stupid and missing all the signs

I was 22, and I'll carry this guilt until I die