I know this is a dumb little wish, I feel too stupid to ever say it out loud.

I started trauma therapy for the past assaults I've been through and it's absolute hell. Facing old memories has my PTSD triggers going off constantly. I'm afraid to shower, I'm afraid to leave the house, I'm afraid to fall asleep every night. I wish I was rich and could hire a bodyguard. Just some strong guy who would stay awake all night and watch the door while I sleep. Walk with me everywhere and never let anyone touch me. Someone else to be vigilant so my brain isn't in constant overdrive.

What's dumber is I feel like I'm always on the verge of a panic attack that never comes. I don't cry, I don't let myself fall apart even when I'm alone in my room. Only when a strong man is holding me can I let it out, I have a massive panic attack and finally cry. But I'm always single and don't have a guy friend I could call and say "Can you come over and hold me so I can have a panic attack?" It's too weird.

So yeah I wish there was a trauma-informed bodyguard service where I could pay a strong man to come over and make me feel safe and protected. To hold me really tight and say soothing things while I'm literally shaking from memories. Keep me safe enough to finally stop holding back all the trauma that is trying to work its way out. And then stay awake all night so I can sleep.