I just needed to clear up some things. This is the last time I'll allow myself to think of you and how shitty things were.

I felt we left things fairly cordial, though to my surprise (and ensuing anger) I found that you had decided to share with Reddit your side of the breakup. And that’s totally cool, whatever you need to do to process and move on. However, I was really hurt and upset by some things that you said that were completely false.

1. I was not putzing around. I’m sorry that less than a week after having my stomach/intestines reworked and rerouted, I wasn’t jumping on the phone. I had been sleeping and let you know that I was ready to talk as soon as I woke up.

2. I refused to do video because I did not want to. “No” is a full sentence. I understand you may have wanted it for your own reasons, but you have to understand that I didn’t want it for my own reasons.

3. You’re right, I have trauma to work through. I admit that. However, I found it incredibly rude that I was “too emotionally immature” and I used “avoidance techniques” to avoid talking about things, when even TALKING about my mental health started not long after we started talking. I realize that you have been working on your mental health for a long time, but I have not. It is unfair of you to force things on me when I’m not ready for them. You are not a mental health professional, and while I appreciate the help you’ve given me, my journey through my mental health is going to look different, and take a different amount of time. You’ve been training for a marathon for 2 years, I’ve been training for 3 months- I can’t keep up with you and I’ll have weaknesses that you either need to be patient with, or pass me by.

4. I find it fucking hilarious that you think I was lying about wanting to break up. You of all people, know how much I HATE confrontation. So why the hell would I just willy-nilly decide to break up with you? I KNEW they’d be sucky ass conversations- and you’d think that my “avoidance techniques” would have done everything in their power to keep me from having that conversation. I meant it with full honesty, breaking up isn’t something I’d do on a whim or without a lot of thought.

5. I understand that therapy has been the best thing for you, but please- see #3. Perhaps that will be something I look into someday, but you push therapy and mental health like some crazy christians push Jesus.

6. You went at this with the full force of a 15 year, 4 kid, 2 dog, a mortgage and a car loan type relationship. You do realize we were together like 3 months?

7. I have ZERO problems with your “generic” feelings. You overthink things. I have no problems with your big feelings- and I like to think that for myself, I did a pretty good job of handling them. Please stop measuring me by YOUR standard of how YOU would have reacted. If confused, see #3 again.

8. I’m sorry you didn’t feel like I gave you all of myself. I shared deeply intimate things with you that I doubt I’d even shared with my husband. Though you do realize this was a poly relationship- juggling 2 different relationships- NO ONE was going to get everything.

9. A 3 month relationship shouldn't be exhausting. I shouldn't dread it. It should be fun. We should have still been in our little 'bubble' and felt giddy and flirty. You dragged me down to the point I dreaded the relationship.

Honestly I’m left really upset and frustrated. I understand you’re doing what you gotta do to get through it, but at least be honest with yourself about things.

The constant round and round of the deeply emotional/hard conversations were a killer. We’d get to a point that I think we had resolved the issue/finished the conversation, and you’d circle back around and start it back up. So yes, those talks got incredibly exhausting and I fucking hated them. I felt like I was in a never ending cycle, and I felt like no answer I gave you was ever good enough, and that you’d just keep cycling around until I have an answer you were happy with.

The blow up over WoW was ridiculous. My actual words to my husband were: “I feel like I’m going through divorce proceedings to play a fucking video game.” I’m sorry that you’ve lost friends to the game. That sucks. But losing your shit over me wanting to play with friends, after we had been on the phone for probably a good 4 hours, and you said, “if that’s what you want to do, that’s fine.” Was bonkers. And honestly, that was probably the thing that sort of dealt the final blow. I know we had talked through it, but I had seen a side of you and a reaction out of you that I didn’t like.

Before you came to visit in August I wasn’t even sure I wanted you to come, and now looking back, I should have just been firm and told you to stay home. But I decided to sort of give it another chance, see if being together sort of smoothed over the other shit that has happened. But it didn’t. And I had told you that I didn’t feel the same way about you as I do my husband. And you gave me a sweet analogy, but in reality, I was trying to tell you that I don’t love you like you love me. I know you loved me more, but the weird shit that had gone on was too much, and I had gone from thinking of you as a romantic partner to a friend.

I find it interesting that you hold the belief that you can’t be friends with someone without being deeply emotional. I have very good friends that I’ve had for YEARS that I’ve never had nearly the deep conversations with as we had, and yet they’ve been there with me through everything. I’m assuming you are under the assumption that I simply want to play games together and that’s it. And again, you’d be wrong. I want to hear about your day, work, how you’re feeling, but I can’t handle the extra baggage that comes with a romantic relationship.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this anymore. Honestly I just needed to get it off my chest.

I know I made the right choice. And I’m sorry that you feel that it was made by my lying, avoidant deep unresolved trauma- but really it was made in clear conscious and with the knowledge that it was the best and healthiest choice for me.

I wish you the best and that you continue healing.