It’s Friday night after a long day at work, and you’re cruising Reddit thinking about how nice it would be to fold someone in half and bury your cock inside them with minimal fuss.

Further, you’re bored with the lackadaisical posts and flaky encounters you keep having on Reddit, and now you’ve somehow ended up at this post wondering: what in the world could this internet stranger mean by ‘elf’?

So here’s what’s up: last weekend I started getting a sore throat. It wasn’t a big deal by Monday. By Wednesday, my shit was all fucked up. This has been the worst three days sick I've had in years. Since the first time I had COVID in 2022.

I may be a hyper-self-reliant type-A most days, but being sick turns me into an absolute fucking baby, and what’s worst, is without my usual busy schedule I’ve just been sitting here for 48 to 72 hours alone with my thoughts. My terribly horny thoughts, no less, and it is driving me up the fucking wall how badly I want some dick right now.

My voice is back (but I can’t talk loudly or scream at all, write that down in your notes for kink purposes) and I’m able to amble around, but I’m not actually well enough to be out the house. If someone were to offer to come over and bring me some hot tea or soup and pet my head as I whine about how bad I feel, they’d probably have no problems reaching their hands under the soft gray robe I’m wearing as I lay there incapacitated on my couch, doing whatever they wanted with me. I’m weak because my body is sore, and also… as I said, I couldn’t scream if I tried.

You - you must check all the boxes - :

• extremely sweet and wholesome with a predatory bent
• bi/pan, queer
• 26
• any gender
• hot
• have a dick
• have recent STI testing, with bonus points for being on PrEP
• know your desires and boundaries from having done some kink already before
• clean shaven (this is truly non-negotiable, super sensitive skin over here, beards are painful**)**
• like words, since you're bothering to read all this - please let this turn into you also being an engaging conversationalist?
• dominant, dom leaning switch etc.
• into cnc/consensual non-consent, free use, and maybe even some bored and ignored for this evening

Me:

• sick, but negative strep and negative covid. it's just a cold/flu. I went to the doctor like a good little elf already.
• genderfucky hypersexual elven prince that dresses like kurt cobain (https://imgur.com/YOvjUKi), or like that "tomboy" you had a crush on but were always too chicken shit to ask out (https://imgur.com/S24ZFIX)
• sub leaning switch that gets wet from being coerced and used mercilessly
• he/they, very good boy, maybe even the goodest boy
• dark wavy hair styled in an annoyingly trendy mullet
• height roughly 5'8"
• small tits, fat ass, nice thighs
• lip piercing, glasses often, soft skin,
• big matching geometric sleeve tattoos
• three hole configuration but managed to start growing a dick thanks to testosterone, so that is pretty cool
• wants to talk to you about the weird thing I learned
• does stupid computer stuff in order to satisfy the capitalism monster
• paints, turns mud into glass, grows hydroponic strawberries, plays riichi mahjong
• uhhh
• loves to write, obviously
• endless internal monologue
• anyways

If you think this is all very hot and you meet the criteria above, send me all the following via Reddit Chat:

• what soup you'll be bringing the elf
• your age
• at least two photos, one must include your full face
• an introductory paragraph that includes a little about you and the kinks you're into

Thanks, looking forward to chatting with you, hope we click.

PS: If you think recognize me from somewhere since my tattoos are extremely unique and identifiable (eg. are a former co-worker, know me as a community member from somewhere) that is fine, just don't be a fucking creep about it. Delight in the fact that you know know that I am secretly a huge slut and compartmentalize your bonerfeelings for both our sakes. Thank you.