How’s your Friday going? Mine is going great. It’s going so fucking fantastic; I am practically on cloud nine. This has been such an incredible day. I aced a systems design interview end to end, I aced another where I spoke to a CTO about their product. Then I discovered all my porcelain shit survived the bisque fire in the kiln and looks fucking DOPE. My croissant was the right texture. The weather was great and I had a walk in the park. Fuck. Yeah.

BUT THEN I HAD AN UNWELCOME TWIST :(

…My date to get fucked senseless this evening bailed on me due to ‘roommate scheduling misunderstandings’ and so instead I’ve decided that I am overdue to cut up a dance floor to beep boop computer music and get myself groped so that I have at least something filthy to do this evening.

This is good news for you, because I will be at Nowadays this evening. Have plans already? You do? Wrong answer. No, you don’t anymore, because you are compelled to surprise me at Nowadays and make my day even better. Whatever you thought you were doing this evening can be cancelled for this rare opportunity. Don’t like loud music? Don’t like crowds? Suck it up buttercup, or else you’ll regret it.

I’ll be wearing a crop top that simply says ‘Slut’ on it in a collegiate font. Blue and white. You will definitely know it when you see it, it is unmistakeable. Other details: I probably look like that goth“tomboy” that you always had a crush on but were to chicken shit to ask out. 5’8”, slim/average, small tits, fat ass, thick thighs, geometric sleeve tattoos on both arms, lip piercing, grey eyes, dark almost black wavy hair, dresses like a goth spectral entity that stumbled into techwear. I’m hot

You can:

• Touch me anywhere you’d like using your hands
• Reach under my clothes with your hands

You will not:

• Try to kiss me or put your mouth on me
• Try to grind on me or rub your body on me
• Take my hands and put them on your body
• Take your dick out (wild I even need to specify this, some y’all weren’t raised right, I swear)
• Try to follow me outside the venue

This is a HANDS ONLY interaction. I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t want you to offer me a drink. Just cop your feel(s) and enjoy it, that’s it. If I decide I’m into you, which will probably not happen as I am picky as all hell, I’ll let you know. I am not shy. I want to do my silly little club drugs and dance, thank you very much.

I will wave a middle finger at you if I want you to stop or fuck off. You WILL respect this gesture. If you cause me any problems, I guarantee I can and will cause you ten times as many. Do not underestimate me.

I will not be answering DMs about this. You have the information you need.