I'm sure there will be plenty of gaslighting comments saying I'm the problem and then DM's of people saying they are going though the same thing, but I'm posting this from my heart.

I moved across the ocean to NY, with the dream of securing my financial future, building a solid social network I would cherish for life and having experiences I've not had before a gay man. I was told it takes around 2 years to settle in and find you people, I'm coming to 3 years here, and so far, only my financial goals are being met, which is concerning to me.

I am truly thankful for a lot of things in NY, but I'm finding the lack of a network and support, and intimate relationships a real bother for me especially as I am getting older. Many times over the past few weeks I've debated whether I should pull the plug here and start over elsewhere, or give this place once last shot. As much as I want to give NY another shot, I'm also scratching my head in terms of what more I can even do, and now having spoken to dozens of people in NY facing very similar issues, I'm wondering if its time for an exit plan. I can hand on heart say I have done, and continue to do, as much as I can to drive things e.g. reaching out, offering plans / dates, inviting people etc, but it all just seems to backfire / not be appreciated here (in general I mean, I know a few gems).

This topic comes from having worked with a gay coach and shown him messages and conversations and other things I'm doing to try and connect, and him being completely baffled why people are not being more receptive. We came to the conclusion that the general issue I find here is people lack time, are stressed all the time (myself included, which is now showing in my blood pressure, but when I leave I'm fine) and there is this 'dog eats dog' culture that has become so apparent to me here. Everyone is trying to hustle and push through, and this is trickling down into connections in several ways. There is a lack of follow through therefore, not because people are ill intentioned, but simply have no time, but then you are always left hunting and/or feeling neglected, especially as a single immigrant. When I think about what I would want in a long term partner, none of these qualities are things I want, even for myself as a person. When I get to know more people closely, I also find a lot of people are depressed, on drugs to cope and other things, and this is just very concerning to me, as this is not who I want to be at 40.

More specifically:

Sex. All the sex I've had in NY has by far been the worst and most unsatisfactory sex in my life. The best experiences were with visiting men or when I went abroad. They have EQ problems, in their head most of the time, or it feels very transactional and performative etc. Honestly, I am loosing hope for a partner/bf, but to not even able to have satisfying sex as a gay man, is just not good imo.

Immigrant vs US native. Several people I know were 'included into' groups when they moved here and are invited to house parties, and built up their network that way, with more and more invitations coming from those connections. I have yet to be invited to a house party, so I'm still very much on the outside, and have no clue how to break in. All the people who were able to 'break in' typically are already from the US and have friends / connections and then when they moved state were able to find support. I've tried my hardest to connect with other immigrants who made the same move as me, others in the same industry as me, others who basically have some overlap with me, but none of those connections ever led to anything (infact, more than half didn't even lead to a coffee/in person meeting).

Dating. It feels like anyone who even remotely keeps fit (and yes this is a criteria for me as this is important for attraction for me and is something I offer) is in an open relationship or partnered or only wants to hookup or visiting. I have struggled to find anyone actually single who is looking to date and keeps fit, which sounds insane because this is NY, but its true (assuming you also don't want a massive age gap). So while there are many people here, the options are actually terrible imo. I also want to add that also someone open to dating a POC and immigrant, which is even harder, because a lot of US folk are not very worldly or simply don't want to date a POC. Hence I literally have no dating/romantic life: the concept of 'be who you want to date' also requires 'you' to be available in the market.

Meeting people out (bars/clubs/parties etc). Depending on where you go, I can usually always find someone, have a fun convo or night, but thats all it ever is. Maybe you see then 6 months later. Maybe not. The constant putting yourself out there, for immediate gratification, that never leads to anything longer term or consistent, bothers me. I just feel like a meat piece all the time now when I go out and its becoming too much. What saddened me even more is when I travel and go to such places, those guys do hookup with me, but keep in touch, and want to get to know me, but where I live people can't be asked. FWIW LGBT sports, gyms, etc all also never led to any real connections, acquaintances at best.

All of these things make me wonder, am I just here to continue to build my finances, and if so, is it even worth it to stay in NY anymore?

This is not a cry for help post, but a genuine desire to understand if there is any stone I can still unturn here to make my NY life and experiences better, as I'm honestly loosing hope with this city.