Trust me, it will all make sense by the end of this post (I think).

I have zero friends, a terrible pretentious personality and a self-centred character that makes me want to beat up myself so much everyday. I have never made a real friend in my life and this fear of humans has led me to become more focused on myself, completely giving up on the possibility of making friends.

I have thought a lot about why everyone ends up leaving me and my conclusion is as follows: • They meet me and become friends • They realise I am just pretentious and actually pretty dumb the more they get to know me • They leave

I get it because I lie to everyone's faces and make them think of myself as a sincere, shy, hardworking person when that's not the case at all: I'm not sincere, I'm kinda talkative and I'm pretty lazy. When they get close over time, they realise everything and leave me for good.

I would do the same if I was them because I can't stand myself anymore. The words that come out of my mouth just make me want to vomit and I hate myself so much that I wish I could beat myself up unconscious. With all of this mind, here's a theory:

Since people realising my personality being pretentious is the breaking point in friendship, what if I become who I really am around people instead of hiding myself away?

I have hated myself to every extent imaginable in my life so far and have never liked myself one bit. I literally hate the way I look and I think this is also one of the biggest reasons for why I am so pretentious irl as I'm trying to make up for areas I lack at. This, is a very important theory right here and I think everything would be so different if I didn't look like what I do.

No clothes look good on me and I hate everything about my face, body, size, weight, height, everything. I think at the end of the day, it all comes down to how I look because I wouldn't be acting this way if I didn't look bad. I have been called ugly to my face and made fun in my face just so many times this year alone. Can't count what people say behind your back though, right?

But this is all a part of me now and honestly? I am just tired of being angry at myself and I think I deserve to give myself a break and cut me some slack because I don't think I can go any longer living in self-misery. I feel so sad about myself now and I just want to become one with myself.

And this is the exact thought that brings us to this post. I don't know if this whole wall of text somehow still justifies why exactly I am making this post but I tried and high five to myself for that, man. High five to myself.