My primary and I are going to couples coaching and tonight he had an aha moment that I'm processing...

He said, in not so many words that I was a rebound and he's having to make some decisions if he really wants to be in this relationship.

I'm proud of him for coming to this understanding, I didn't think I was a rebound, I mean we talked about it in the beginning of courtship that I didn't want to be his rebound and I want him to choose me... Same thing was asked when we made the decision to get pregnant.

It's a little alarming that almost 5 years in he's just beginning to understand his own feelings about the whole situation, and now my life has become something completely different than I had thought.

Thing is he's a great provider, he works hard and spends most his day out of the house, until he gets home and tucks himself into bed.

Everyone has told me to leave him because he's grumpy and emotionally unavailable. But I'm attracted to grumpy and unavailable.

This is something I'm working on. And it's our relationship, not someone else's to tell me what to do...

But I look back at all the things I gave up, to be in relationship with him, to accept what and when he was able to emotionally connect.

And now to hear him say "I'm figuring out if I want to be in this relationship" triggered me so much that I've been planning my exit.

But do I really need to leave?

He's the 1st partner I've ever had to agree to couples coaching. He's the 1st partner to agree to ENM. He's the 1st partner to work on issues, even when they are challenging, and come to a place of 'normalcy' within our routine, which means that we live life pretty well as we disentangle our codependency.

As I write this I recognize that I don't need to leave him, but gosh darn it am I frustrated!!

I gave up trying to fix people a long time ago. I'm too tired for that, and instead accept who a person is in my life.

He is someone who resents me having a life away from him, but lives a life at a distance... He is someone unwilling to assist me getting childcare so I can work because he doesn't want to budget the cost. He's someone who is squeamish about me doing things with other people, I don't mean sex, I mean connection... It makes him feel like he's missing out. What's that called? FOMO?

So because of his anxieties, I limited myself for years, until I couldn't limit myself for his discomfort anymore.

I've been dating myself and taking myself out, refusing to pity him when he judges my alone time, and have recently called him out of the unhealthy habits he has when he tries to gaslight me. Basically, I've explained that his behavior makes me less interested in doing things with him because he has made it my responsibility to ensure his comfort.

But I only have so much autonomy. I'm very reliant on him, and I'm learning how not to take his pity parties personal.

It's got nothing to do with me, except his attempt to guilt trip me into doing what he wants.

I suppose this is another reason not to leave him... I've finally reached the level of comfort in the relationship to be myself, even when it's scary... I am no longer threatened by his moods, I'm more amused than anything.

It's like I have 2 toddlers in the house sometimes.

I just have the opportunity to leave them at home because one of them is a grown man.

I'm learning to trust myself, even if he doesn't choose this relationship. I'm gonna love me regardless. I think that could be my saving grace or my downfall 🤷🏼‍♀️

Hope he learns to love him soon. It's exhausting to see him so grumpy and emotionally unavailable all the time.

Maybe my exhaustion is proof of my growth?!

Not sure how to sign off other than giving him credit for coming to terms with the reality that he started a family after a 17 year marriage. He's trying to figure out who he is, and I'll continue loving myself as he makes those discoveries.

If he continues to love me need not be my concern, he wasn't my rebound. I KNOW I chose this man, and I love him and all his complexity.