One way to think of it is that there is never any "going back". You can't put the genie back into the bottle. Yes, you can change over to monogamy again, but it's still going FORWARD, it's a new phase, because you can't undo the fact that you've been open and had that experience. I've been very aware of this as my wife and I explore opening up. In fact, the moment the genie came out of bottle wasn't going to be the first connection or date or kiss or sex... we entered a new phase of our relationship when we decided to begin exploring the idea of non-monogamy.

It began with me opening up to her that I enjoy watching pornography (this was after about 15 years of being together), she was so wonderful and curious about it, so we checked out stuff together and now we'll send each other clips of things that turn us on our that we think the other will enjoy. We've learned from that. We became so open and our sex that was always great just got better and better the more we talked. It was so awesome, just spilling our guts about all the things.

Soon after that, she opened up to me that she has had a long running fantasy of watching me have sex with someone else. That conversation evolved into me realizing that I didn't have any interest in random sex with people I don't know, and that I might have polyamorous leanings. The idea of me having a girlfriend or fwb excited the both of us. She realized that having a threesome sounded great, but also that just the idea of me going out on dates and being with someone else felt like fun to her (and very much to me as well!).

When we then talked about her exploring this for herself, I just got very dark feelings. I wanted to be open and fair and "evolved", but it just felt so fucking scary. Eventually we decided to just see what it felt like to both have a dating app account and maybe talk to people. Of course, the first person she pinged connected with her and they had a rapport right away. I went completely into the fear and catastrophe space. I kind of freaked out. I asked her not to proceed any further. I was very motivated to explore this for myself, but I couldn't have any positive feelings for her to proceed exploring. She said she could just close her door because she didn't feel a high drive to connect with other people, but that she wanted me to explore. I felt so conflicted, because I wanted to for myself and I didn't want her to do it and I've always been a person that championed fairness and equality.

I'm skipping a bit here, but she ended her connection with a smile on her face and with just a little bit of an "aww shucks". I kept having the fear that she wanted me to pursue this NM idea so that I'd come around to being more open to her doing it, which is crazy because that's not at all how she is, but social/societal bullshit norms really gets driven deep into us and they are hard to overcome. I was experiencing a thing in myself that I really detest, which is prob mostly sort of toxic man shit. We had spent almost a year talking about this, books, podcasts, articles, talking to a few open minded friends, and a couple of people who we know that are actively NM. But there we were in this imbalance.

We both see a therapist and we sometimes do sessions together. We also have been doing some psychedelic journey work together... in that space we can talk about so much and keep our egos out of the way, it's also been an incredible space for me to sort of integrate ideas and self work. I wanted to change my mind and feelings, but there was also a very vocal part of my mind that was yelling and kicking and screaming and telling me to not even try to overcome this block. I felt like two people. I felt like fucking insane.

After all that, I finally talked to my therapist about this path. Her and I had been working on so many things and I had been waiting for what felt like the right moment to begin to talk to her about this. That same weekend I talked some more with a close friend about this (this close friend is my wife and I's mutual best friend who we met right at the beginning of our relationship, so she knows everything about us, which is really great). Both my therapist and my friend listened to me, told me that ENM totally makes sense for me because they both know how much I love to connect with people on a very deep level. And both could have probably given me an easy pass on my dark feelings about my wife's side of things, but they didn't. They also didn't beat me up for it... they both just kind of confirmed for me that I needed to explore what exactly these feelings were, what was causing them, what trauma it might be tied to. But they also held my feelings as valid and I think that was important.

The way they both responded to me I think helped me understand my feelings on a deeper level. Just being understood, but asked to explore that I think unlocked a little bit of it for me because here were two people who's opinions I trust, two people that I often seek guidance from were both hearing me and asking me to really look at this thing that I didn't want to really look at and untangle.

We went through about 2 weeks where her door was closed and mine was open and I just couldn't be comfortable and it didn't feel like me. We had a "journey" scheduled and then, during that journey I think I somehow shifted something... I think maybe sometimes my self work gets sort of queued up in my brain and then just has to ferment and somehow trickle into my mind, but I think the journeying can sort of speed this up and run things through that queue faster.

So... it's still a bit scary, but I asked my wife to contact her connection and see if they could meet if that is what she'd like to do. I'm simultaneously proud of myself and also kind of scared. I've been thinking a lot about it today and I feel proud because I'm making a decision that seems scary to me because I want my wife to experience this path, this openness, that we can both grow from this. Our relationship is strong and secure and I feel like I'm finally overcoming some major self worth issues. This choice feels so expansive and good to me, it makes me feel whole again because at my core I know I'm a good person that wants what is best for everybody involved. I'm still scared but it doesn't feel so heavy and dark anymore.

Additionally I've come to a place where I'm like "What is my biggest fear about exploring this path?" And that fear is that she could find a deeper connection and more joy with someone else and that she could end up leaving me. Instead of trying to convince myself that that isn't possible, I'm accepting that that is a possibility. And I'm embracing that possibility with the mindset of how much I love her and how much I celebrate her joy and how much I love to see her empowered and independent and strong. And that if that day comes that I'll do my best to understand and support her and never stop loving her even if she is no longer mine.

It really does feel like the end of something. Though, I don't like this idea that people say you are "killing" your relationship and starting a new one. That's really harsh and doesn't ring true to me. For sure it's a major shift, and definitely the end of a phase or era, but not a murder. It's more like a kind of letting go. I think the thing that hurts might be that the codependent elements that can exist even in a mostly healthy and strong relationship have to be broken. Anyhow, I'm excited, scared, and proud to be here.