Sorry for the long post!

My (F) partner (M) and I have been together a bit over 2 years, open (somewhere between swinging and solo FWB connections) for most of it. We live together, have dogs, etc--our lives are very intertwined.

We recently closed to focus on our relationship. I was having some jealousy and anxiety that my partner was finding overwhelming and I needed to sort it out. We got to a place where things felt great. When we're not extracurricular dating we get on exceptionally well and have little to no conflict. We both thought it was time to reopen. So we did.

His first date meeting a couple, I felt great in the lead up. I had minimal difficult feelings. I didn't get much detail on their plans until the day of, and it involved him travelling a ways and coming home late. I processed this, and tried to communicate the feeling that I had no jealousy about the meeting, but that I felt some anxiety about not knowing when he'd be home. This was not phrased as "I need you to be home by X time," or any ask to control his behavior, but rather "I'm feeling some anxiety around not knowing what to expect" and a request for validation and comfort from him. This instantly caused an explosion from him. Lots of yelling. And ultimately him storming off for most of the day and eventually coming home shortly before he had to leave to go meet them.

This, of course, makes me feel awful. Confused, anxious, unsure, hopeless.

I've suggested that we not make any additional dates until we can sort through this. This morning he got angry that I'm "imprisoning" him by asking that we pause on dating. I'd like us to go to counseling because it feels unfair to be subjected to that level of rage for simply asking for a moment of emotional comfort and reassurance, and feel like I can't be comfortable ENM dating if there's going to be that much anger involved. But he keeps pointing the finger at me.

There's a lady on Instagram who talks about avoidant attachment. I've showed her posts to my partner and when he's not in angry mode, he can admit that it's him to a T.

Does anyone have experience on next steps for how to reach a healthier place with this? Individual and couples counseling is on the table but I'm not sure how I should approach this in the meantime.