Hey friends, I could use some support/advice. This isn't technically ENM as it's more of a mental health thing, but I feel like this group by its nature has the most intimate relationship with insecurity and self-growth in relationships. If anyone has a suggestion for a more appropriate sub, I would be delighted to go there.

I have been practicing intentional, ethical, non-hierchial polyam for about 3 years now. I love the idea of soul mates as being wanderers on the same path until they eventually diverge. The concept of free, unattached love focused on joy and growth sounds like paradise. I have 2 wonderful solo polyam/RA type partners, A and J. Unfortunately, I also have abandonment trauma and a mostly anxious attachment style. This makes aspects of ENM incredibly difficult. I know that I have an unhealthy attachment style and have worked really hard on it - but A wiggled his way into my anxious, possessive, fearful heart before I did the work and I don't know how to backtrack out of an unhealthy attachment. I met J after, so my relationship with him has much less angst involved.

I've read over a dozen books about healthy ENM, communication, attachment, shame, jealousy, and codependency, I have been going to therapy for 3 years including EMDR. I've listened to podcasts and attend poly support groups when I can. I've made great improvements on my awareness of issues and communication around them. But the feelings keep coming and despite the work don't seem to be getting much better.

The thing is, I KNOW the answers. I know my core issue is poor self worth after a lifetime of familial and relationship trauma. I can recite the rhetoric around self worth and efficacy and sitting with your feelings. I know about finding hobbies and going on self dates. I have ENM aquaintences I can reach out to for support. My partners are invested in my self growth without trying to do the work for me or compromising their values. Yet I don't FEEL any of it.

The trouble is transferring the things I know and value logically over to my emotional brain. My therapist has asked me a few times now if non-hierarchial ENM is actually in line with who I am as a person - and I so badly WANT it to be, but getting from point A to B is proving to be painfully frustrating. Intellectually the idea of hierarchy makes me cringe and I can NOT go back to being mono. Not to mention, if I did decide that hierarchy is what I need, I would have to change my current relationships in a way that feels like loss.

How do I help the rational and emotional sides of my brain talk to each other? I'm a practical, do something, action-plan person. I use a gratitude journal daily and have previously plastered my mirror with self-affirming messages to read at myself (that did not go the greatest). I put myself in uncomfortable situations to practice a kind of exposure therapy (like a dinner party where I saw A being affectionate with meta - wew lad that was an experience). I journal and ocassionally go on self dates. I had a six-month stint of meditating. I can list out all the ways I am a good person/partner. Nothing is really helping. I still feel the same fears and exhibit the same anxious patterns I did 3 years ago. I'm just getting progressively more upset as time goes by from feeling stuck. A and i both agree I probably need a break from trying so hard, but then a thing happens and I'm miserable and that reaffirms my drive to keep working to prevent future pain.

Suggestions on rituals, practices, specialized therapy? More book recommendations (my current to-read list is dauntingly long, but if it helps)? A different perspective? Anything?? I'm not ready to give up on my dream yet.

Thanks