Gonna try and keep this short and to the point.

I (F35) and my husband (M37) have been together for 13 years.

Dead bedroom for roughly 10. He suffered from ED and PE. Tried a few suggestions from the doctor but nothing worked too well so he basically gave up.

I’ve told him numerous times over the years how I’m not happy with the situation. He never initiates anything and I don’t feel wanted sexually at all.

About a year ago, I started considering NM. At that time I also read about a different type of medication for his ED issues. I organised a prescription and sorted it all out for him, he makes no effort at all. And they actually work! Great! I’d say about 80% “regular function”.

But surprise, he still has little to no interest and never initiates.

I broke down around 6 months ago, said I was considering leaving. He begged not to but didn’t really wanna go to therapy or anything.

I caved because I love him very much, we are soul mates, I don’t want to be without him and every other aspect of our relationship and life is practically perfect.

But now it’s been 6 months and still nothing. We’ve talked about NM. He was initially a hard no, then I explained what I wanted our version of NM to look like and he said that actually wasn’t as bad as what he had been picturing. But still mostly no.

So now I’m left with a decision. I feel totally trapped the way things currently are. I don’t want to leave, nor would it be easy to do so from a practical view.

But if I say “we either give NM a try or I have to go” then it’s an ultimatum and surely that’s never a good idea?

I have read and still am reading books on NM and alternative relationships so I don’t feel like I’m being naive about the realities of it all.

Any advice?

TL:DR dead bedroom for 10 years, don’t want to leave but can’t stay as is. Can it ever work well starting from an ultimatum?

EDIT - I’m a little overwhelmed by all the posts, thank you so much to everyone that took the time to reply, I really do appreciate it.

When my husband got home earlier, I told him that over the next few days I’d like him to think about everything we’ve discussed over the last few months and then let me know where he stands on it all. So I’ll see what he says and then go from there.