My partner (32m) and I (32f) have been together for a year and when we met he was open about being a relationship anarchist and that he wanted us to be open/poly. I was going travelling for 3 months just after we met so we stayed as each other's main person but from a distance and we both only had a couple of one off things.

I came back home in October and we were essentially monogamous being happy to see each other in person again, then around Christmas I was borrowing his phone and a Grindr message popped up from a guy thanking him for some time together and this brought up a conversation of "are you currently having sex with other people" because I would just like to know in advance since we're fluid bonded. Coincidentally the next day we got gonorrhea symptoms and both tested positive and I said that kind of proved my point of why we need to be talking about it. I don't need details, or names just a "just letting you know I am actively sleeping with people at the moment".

After that I thought we were kind of clear that we were going to just bring it up if we were having a thing. This was kind of my expectation of ENM and I thought I had voiced that clearly.

I went on a couple dates and mentioned it to him but he didn't really bring anything up except some people he was messaging. And we had a date together with another couple.

Jump forward to last month. He was moving out of his place and had to do a whole bunch of work on his live-in vehicle so we were spending a lot of time on that and weren't being intimate as often. One day in between moving loads he mentioned he might have a date and I got upset because I was feeling tired and said I just didn't feel like we'd had the time for just us lately and I needed to feel secure once things settled down.

He's been staying at my place the last couple weeks and I said I was feeling solid and asked him if he had any dates. Then last night we had moment of almost having a threesome with his old roommate who then decided against it and left and it started a discussion about what we're ok with because I asked if he would feel ok if I hooked up with her on my own.

The question came up whether he had hooked up with other people the last few months and he said there had been a couple of Grindr hookups and that he had gone on a date with the woman he mentioned during the move. I got a bit upset, mainly because I was finding out after-the-fact and because it did feel like a bit of a boundary-cross when I had mentioned I needed to feel secure/ solid at that time.

He was saying he feels like it's better to not tell me because I seem to get upset but it's only been that I find out afterwards and feel hurt that he didn't confide in me before or that it was a stressful time. I am fine with him going on dates and sleeping with other people but would just like a heads up that something is going on (again don't need details etc unless the other person could potentially mean something or become part of a polycule). My only previous experience of ENM was as a side partner and the guy told me his primary knew he was out with me and was fully supportive and that's kind of what I would like. However, my partner wants more of a "don't ask don't tell" model which I am not a fan of.

I love him dearly and vice versa and we both feel like this is something we want long term and want to work at. He suggested this morning that he could be monogamous while he's staying at mine but I told him I don't expect that I just would like more communication.

Have any of you had differences in communication expectations and how would you broach the gap?

TLDR: my partner wants a "don't ask don't tell unless it becomes meaningful" model and I prefer all cards on the table. How can we find a happy medium?