I'm having lots of doubts about being non monogamous. Thing is that it's not anything against this relationship style from an ideological perspective, because I honestly do think that love has no limits. That we are capable of loving more than one person in the span of our lives, and that it's possible to have room romantically for multiple partners. That just one person can't fulfill every single aspect about you. I am a staunch believer in these ideals. Yet…

I feel that non monogamy in the explosion of popularity lately, its becoming something for people to co opt to justify their shitty behavior, ie: people using it as a cover for cheating by lying and saying their spouse or long term partner is onboard when they have no clue. Another thing is most people I know or have seen apply monogamous ideology to non monogamy via couple privilege and hierarchy. I understand people do their non monogamous relationships differently and that there's no one way to practice, but it seems that everytime I turn around I see a dating profile of a cute non mono or poly guy only to see something like: "I'm happily married/partnered and I'm not looking to replace her/him/them" or other language that implies that their spouse/partner is the primary and will probably be overseeing things in his new relationship with anyone. I mean, we say there's no such thing as "The One" but there's some people who are aboveboard in their devotion to their partner even if their partner doesn't need that kind of codependent behavior, but they also try to do the whole non monogamous thing at the same time. It's very frustrating and non inclusive to me.

As a neurodivergent WOC of size with a modest income, non monogamous relationships have been a struggle. I was polyamorous in the outset and after some very disappointing and hurtful experiences, I switched to just ethical non-monogamy which left me open to more options but I only ended up with just guys who think non monogamous relationships = just sex. I switched back to polyamory because I want romantic relationships and I explicitly say so, but I still can't seem to get what I want. It's sad that on OkCupid I get next to nil as non monogamous, but if I were to switch back to monogamous my match numbers go up and I get more messages.

I live in the South, in a red state, so the whole non monogamous thing still holds some stigma and is seen as adulterous and promiscuous or just plain weird. I'm almost 40 and all of my friends are partnered or married and with this covid thing over our heads, never have I been more afraid of dying without knowing the pleasure of a long-term relationship. To be loved by someone who isn't family or just friends. It seems pathetic, but I'm sure some of us have felt this way at one point or another. Anyway it feels like I have more chances of getting a partner as mono despite how much I think non monogamy is ideal. However despite how I think it's great- it feels lonlier in a philosophy that touts that you're never alone and that there's more love to experience. At least with monogamy I know that I will be alone. I don't know what to do or think about it all.