Some Background

My wife [F46] and I [M46] have been married for 21 years, together for 23 and open for 16. She is straight and I am bi (she knew before we were married and digs it). We are very much into the kink culture and have gone to a lot of events and even taught classes on kink topics.

During our open period, we have played with others together and apart. She tends to prefer playing with other guys when I am there, though her last two playmates were on her own. For me, I tend to play with men on my own and have not played with many women over the course of our open time. In the stereotypical male/female couple, the guy wants to see his wife with another woman. For us, that has no allure. Instead, we are quite the opposite: my wife prefers to watch me with other men, and then join in (or not).

Many years ago, she and I hit a hard spot and I took comfort in a female friend. There was no sex involved. Once my wife and I were back together, I discussed transitioning my friendship with this friend into a sexual one and my wife was supportive. Ultimately, this did not happen for a few unrelated reasons. But, she would have been cool with it.

She Broke Trust

Two summers ago, my wife broke an agreement that we have regarding our play. She was traveling back from a vacation with our son (10 years old then) and his friend. On the way back, she met up with the friend's dad partway home. They stayed in a hotel (separate rooms) for one night before she and my son came home and the friend and his family went their way (the dad and two sons).

My wife called me the night they were in the hotel and I could tell she was drinking. She asked if I would have an issue with her kissing Rob (the friend's Dad...not his real name). I knew that she wanted Rob in a big way (and was previously supportive of her playing with him) and so I asked where she was. She said on the pool deck. I then asked where the kids were. "In the pool," she said. I said: absolutely not. We have strict agreements about not playing anywhere where our son is.

The next day, I found out that when she called me, she had already kissed Rob on the pool deck. She figured I would be ok with it so she didn't call ahead of time. I wasn't. She then went on to say that after the pool, the kids were cold and there was a big tub in Rob's room, so the boys jumped in the tub in their bathing suits to warm up. Rob and my wife were out in the bedroom (the door to the bathroom was shut) and they began full-on making out.

I was crushed. The trust I had had in my wife was absolute. It never dawned on me that she would ever cheat on me. But she did. For several weeks, I was the worst example of myself: sarcastic, making mean comments, etc. One night, I moved past it. I asked myself:

• Do I love her? Yes
• Do I want to continue to be mean to her? No. (Though it felt good when I did it, I felt bad after.)
• Do I want a divorce? No.
• Do I want to continue our lifestyle? Yes.

With this, I knew the only path forward was to forgive and move on. So I did. I know it sounds like it was too easy, but, once I made the decision, it was done very quickly. We have gone back to our lifestyle and had some amazing experiences since then.

Differences in Libido

For this year, my wife and I have been seeing a difference in our libidos. Hers has lowered a lot. She actually told me that while she still really enjoys sex with me, and all of the sexual adventures we go on, she has lost any interest in initiating. If I were not around, she would be quite content to not have sex at all. Meanwhile, I have been on testosterone enhancement and that, along with becoming more fit, has really enhanced my libido. One way we have countered this is that I have been playing more with men for the past few months, with my wife's encouragement. (She always wants to hear details when I get home. lol)

A few weeks ago, my wife told me that she has offered to "loan" me to a girlfriend of hers who was interested in kink. I am totally cool with this, but it was surprising because she does not offer me up that way usually. My wife said that she knew her libido was decreasing and mine was increasing and as such, she thought it would be a win-win-win. Her girlfriend would get to experience submitting to an experienced Dom, I would get some playtime with someone I was attracted to, and she would not have to do anything. lol

Last week, I was in a chat room on Kik and was intrigued by this woman in the chat room. We chatted a bit. She claimed that she was a Domme, but I just didn't get that vibe from her. We have had some great conversations, and become friends. She is in her 30s and, to be honest, my interest, while I am attracted to her, it's more from the standpoint of mentoring her within the kink (and vanilla) worlds. She has some belief systems that I think I could help her to enhance so that she can create more of what she wants in her life.

Anyway, I have been telling my wife about our chats for the entire time I have been chatting with her. The last few days, my chat friend brought up meeting in person and I thought that would be cool. When I brought it up with my wife, she really freaked out. She is treating me like I am cheating on her with this chat friend. If I open my phone, my wife looks over as if to see if I am chatting with the friend.

I am very confused right now. On the one hand, my wife is encouraging me to play with men and women, but then when I find someone I would like to explore an FWB relationship with, she is very critical of me, as if I have broken a rule or something. I am also feeling anger because my wife cheated on me in the past. I worked hard to forgive her and move on, but now I am being treated as if I am a cheater. I don't know how to work through this.