I (early 30s F) have a primary NP and a secondary long-distance partner (mid-30s M) whom I have been seeing for a few months. My secondary partner also has a primary NP. We have both been with our NPs for many years. He is experienced with poly, whereas this is my first full-fledged relationship outside my primary relationship. I can tell he has done plenty of reading about the poly lifestyle, as I have, and seems very familiar with the common “dos” and “don’ts”, so it shocked me when I learned he was sharing information about me and our relationship with his NP without asking me first. I thought it was common knowledge that you shouldn’t share intimate details about one partner with another, even a primary, without getting consent from said partner.

At first, he would say things like, “I share everything with my NP, she has seen photos of you, etc.” which I suppose I should have taken as my opportunity to clarify my boundaries there, but because I thought seeking consent for sharing intimate details was common knowledge, I didn’t think I needed to ask what he meant. I thought he meant that she knew of my existence and basic information about me that you might tell a friend after you start dating someone new, and we had discussed, and I had given permission, for sharing details about our sexual relationship, including photos and videos (kink plays into both sides of the hinge), but I just learned that she had full access to all of our messages and would read them every day. And not out of jealousy or as a result of trust issues, purely as a very literal interpretation of him sharing everything with his NP.

Anyway, I felt quite violated. Again, I was aware sexual details were being shared, but it’s one thing to hear about a sexual interaction from your partner, but to me, it’s another thing entirely when you’re reading about it in your meta’s own words without their knowledge. And that doesn’t even bother me so much as the sharing of other intimate information that wasn’t discussed at all, like my feelings for this new partner, the psychology behind our dynamic (we’re kinky), my insecurities and attachment issues, etc.

Am I wrong for feeling hurt and betrayed, or is there a certain amount of transparency you assume is present between NPs, and would it have been my responsibility to assert that any sharing happen only after I give my consent? In other words, is my discomfort with full message access something I needed to preemptively bring up and say I wasn’t okay with versus him asking if it was okay before doing it?

I realize I’m partly to blame for not taking him literally when he said they share everything, but I genuinely thought he meant he shared anything she asked about, not every single word I’ve said outside of in-person interactions.

Thoughts?