So some context, I was a third generation Scientologist (male) and didn't escape that messed up situation until I was 23. I had nothing and was basically homeless, and it took about 4 years for me to get my shit together and finally get intimate with someone, so I lost my virginity at 27.

This was a bit of a traumatic experience. I was never touched in my family, I was treated like a soldier, and I had never been vulnerable with anyone. When the moment finally came, I was too nervous to relax. It took many months for me to achieve orgasm. During that time, my partner also talked about their ex a lot, how huge they were, how they bruised her cervix and tore her etc. I was 6" but very insecure, and when we would fight she would say things like "you'll never fuck me like __" etc.

I was with her for 4 years, and when we broke up I did not realize the damage that had been done to my self esteem. For the next 12 years, every time I got close to a woman, I would get terrified and freeze and run away. I was not able to show my vulnerability. I thought it would just go away but it never did.

I finally started therapy, and I found out I had complex PTSD. I got into yoga and met someone, a psychiatrist who turned out to be poly (I had never heard of it). I said I don't think I could do that, but we agreed to try friends with benefits, but that didn't work as we both fell for each other hard.

The first time she slept with another partner (someone she had been with before she met me), we had been together for 3 months and I still had not been able to achieve orgasm. The guy she was with was a 6'2" yoga instructor who had been with 100 women and for a week I was devastated. Granted, I'm 6'0" 230 lbs and more muscular, but that didn't help my insecurity. Just nightmares running in my head of them having amazing sex that I couldn't. I actually pushed her away pretty hard at this point, but when she offered to come over and comfort me I agreed. We did molly, and she overshared way too many details (saying he was a beast, she had to tell him to slow down, he's really good in bed etc).

For the next year or so, every time I had any issues, I'd think of him and lose erection. As time went on, I found out he made her cum in certain positions, and it became almost a phobia. I couldn't even do those positions without getting into this weird performative mindset and getting upset and pushing her away/freezing her out. She became afraid to even ask me to try.

Somehow I managed to grow through all this, and was able to "perform" and become much more comfortable and confident. I realized I had it in me all along, I just had a horribly toxic inner monologue. I thought I was better, and that I wouldn't have to deal with "going down".

We recently had a rocky breakup then started seeing each other again and I found out that she had seen him again during the few weeks we were apart. During this time, I also got more details, other positions he made her cum in (ones I haven't). etc. I had relapsed on weed as well during this time, and in spite of this I surprised myself by not being grossed out by it and having really good sex with her.

However, I'm two weeks sober, and I had the same issue again of her asking me to perform and me thinking of him and going down. Maybe it's harder without weed? So now, when she wants me to go hard, or if I think of trying the positions I know he made her cum in, I feel this sense that I am performing and competing. I get nervous, and even though I am much more confident now and know I'm completely capable, it's such a turnoff to think of them together I go down.

Has anyone ever been able to work through something like this? I have to admit poly makes a lot more sense to me than monogamy, if I had to choose. I just can't seem to handle hearing about her with other men doing things I haven't. It drives me nuts. He's about the same size as me, I could only imagine how I'd feel if she started dating someone "larger" too. Strangely her husband of 10 years was 8.5 inches but that doesn't seem to bother me. She says my dick is perfect and 8.5 was too much. Everything seems to flip when she actually sleeps with someone though, my insecurity goes nuts!

Has anyone ever worked through something like this? Sorry for the wall of text.