I'm in my late 40's and have Borderline Personality Disorder, which is also called Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder.

My emotions are huge and volatile at times, I have a massive fear of abandonment and in the past have masked my self in order to have 'normal' relationships with people I didn't really like and wasn't attracted to due to being unable to relieve my obsession with someone else.

In borderline land, this obsession is called a favorite person. They are like an identity stand in: they are who you want to be. Something about them fulfills the parts of our identity that is missing.

I've been in therapy a long time, and want to have a normal life and normal relationship without obsessing about someone or losing myself inside of a relationship. A lot of this self work has led to growing my own identity and being more confident in who I am.

I have a friend, who is my genuine friend that I care about. I realized that I was attracted to him a year ago and in looking back, I can see that I tried to lovebomb him. After a few months he told me he was sexting other people and had been talking to his ex so I stepped back and tried to cut contact with him to give him space.

The one difference between him and every other guy I've been interested in is that I didn't hatebomb him, which is something pwBPD tend to do. We devalue people like a mfkr. In the past I might have said some awful things to him, but I didn't. I just tried to let him go.

It hurt really bad but I genuinely care about him and want him to be happy. He's been contacting me lately and I find that I still like him.

I also find that I don't necessarily want a traditional relationship where you get married and live together. I don't want him to spend the night at my house every night. I don't want to posses him. I don't want to be possessed.

I want to live my life and be inspired. As though I would rather have a muse than a mate. There in lies the favorite person conundrum. I don't want it to be that my admiration becomes obsession. That is the dangerous bit.

What is the difference between love and obsession in borderline land? I think it may be in this possession. Maybe if I have him at arms length, where I could step over and grab him and do something naughty in an ally and then let him go. And me go back to living my life and making art.

In this way, we are just friends. I don't want that to change. I also want to check myself though. If you have BPD or know about it, please feel free to leave feedback.