This is a little lengthy, so I apologize. We're in a bad place for reasons much bigger than just polyamory/open marriage, and I'm rethinking a lot of situations now and want to share/get input from others in the community.

My spouse and I have been married for almost 10 years. When we were engaged, he told me he was bisexual. It was a bit of an adjustment because I wasn't entirely expecting it, but I didn't have a problem with it.

After we got married, he told me he needed a male sexual relationship in his life, that it was core to who he was as a person. This was much more of an adjustment for me. We had a lot of arguments about it, one that culminated in me yelling, "Fine, just go do whatever you want, then!"

Many more discussions later, we decided to open our relationship. At that point, I had worked through my jealousy and we established some rules. They were:

1) This is purely sexual, no outside romantic/emotional relationships.

2) Everyone involved has to be fully aware that we're married and open, and has to understand this isn't going to turn into a relationship.

3) Use protection, be safe, etc.

4) The other spouse has to be fully informed about who/where/when for both safety reasons and no secrets/sneaking around.

In hindsight, the last 2 appear to have been much more flexible for him.

So, I'm curious if you would consider these instances "cheating".

Months after we established these rules and made the joint decision to open our marriage, he came clean. After that big fight but before we were open, he'd had 2 one-night stands with men. I knew nothing about it, and apparently it was a "lackluster" time for him. At the time I was upset but forgave him.

His rationale is that he was upset and this was a core need for him, that I'd told him to "do whatever he wants", at this point we're open, and it was a bad time anyway. Personally, I feel like it was cheating.

We'd been open for a few months and had fooled around with a couple of people, both separately and together. He went to a party one night with a guy we'd been in a FWB situation together with. At that party, he slept with a random girl without protection. I didn't know until the FWB told me a day or 2 later.

His rationale is that we were open, he was drunk, and he didn't have condoms with him. I don't agree with that.

We were out for NYE at a bar, and he hit it off with some girl. They were dancing and everything, and he nearly kissed her at midnight before I (drunkenly and dramatically) pulled his face to mine to steal that kiss. That one isn't really cheating I guess, I'm just still low key pissed about it.

Pretty sure I was made out to look very jealous and he was concerned I'd upset this other girl and made her feel dumb by doing that. Which, maybe, but that wasn't my issue.

We rent an apartment. A few months ago, I came home and he told me he and our neighbor had fooled around that day. I was a little surprised (didn't expect that from the neighbor), but tried to be encouraging. Despite the fact he hadn't told me prior. He then told me this had been going on for a week at this point.

I've had other guys I've fooled around with, but every one of them has been with his express knowledge from the moment we started talking about it. He knew who, when, where each time in advance.

As I'm reflecting on a lot of his behavior over our relationship, I feel like there are so many more red flags than I was initially aware of.

Am I just getting pissed about past things because I'm already upset? Or was I totally blind to how shitty this behavior was at the time?