Hi all, I am new to this subreddit, and this account is more of a burner account I use to vent occasionally if anyone is concerned about the lack of account activity.

I'm writing this post to get people's honest opinions on my life situation and whether or not I'm insane for tolerating it, I should make a change, or if i'm the asshole in the equation.

Apologies for the length, and the incoherence I'm mostly just pouring my heart out and venting.

I [M, Bisexual, Mid/Late 30's] have been with my wife [F, (who I'll call Anna) Bisexual, late 30s] for about 16 years, and married for about 13 at the time of writing. A year after our child was born mid-COVID, we met another similarly minded couple following some brief hookups and attempts at dating others as a couple to explore our sexuality. We married young, were inexperienced and both recently out of the closet after we both figured out we were Bi, and wanted to explore that together.

The couple (I'll call David and Marissa for the sake of this post both Mid 30's) were our speed, but a bit more experienced in non-monogamy than us. Both queer, both young parents, and nerdy-like us, so hanging out with them was a blast. Initially, we would hook up as a group after meeting for dinner and hanging out, and it very much started as a four-way relationship, but along the way, things started to fracture and escalate into individual relationships quickly as the NRE feelings kicked in.

Marissa and Dave wanted to spend as much time with us as humanly possible - either separately or both together us: it later became apparent that they were going through chronic marital problems, and unfortunately opening up was an attempt to fix that. I had sensed something wasn't right: but I was mostly concerned at the speed at which things were developing: after two months, we had coupled off, Me with Marissa, Anna with Dave, and Dave and I occasionally meeting each other solo.

I had initially envisioned a more casual relationship, meeting once a week or every two weeks, and taking it easy. But My wife was deep in NRE with both of them, Marissa was very into me and my wife, and Dave, having giant sexual and romantic appetites was dialed up to 10 on us all 24/7.

All this activity was fine (and fun) but my problem was that their presence was always felt if they weren't there, we were meeting at least once a week along with gaming sessions on discord, but at its height we were meeting as a group or coupled off three times a week, and on the off days there were consistent periods of constant contact via Discord, SMS, messenger, WhatsApp, it was too much...especially trying to balance life with work, exercise, parenting and any hobbies or personal obligations.

At a later point, things shifted to where we did not have any group meet-ups anymore and we have more ore less exclusively coupled off with each other and aside from the odd threesome or time Dave and I would play, we were swinging/wife swapping for lack of a better word. After a couiple of months things slowed a little and my mental bandwidth was beginning to become less taxed: but the relationship as a whole started to become more complicated. for one, we were swapping twice a week, where one night I would go to see Marissa, and Dave would stay with my wife, and vice versa. Marissa and Dave decided to gift us with wedding style rings - which we had no discussion about prior, I felt super awkward about it, especially when my wife freaked at me when I asked about it.

My wife suffers from PMDD, and possibly ADHD/Rejection Sensitivity Disorder. I was starting to have trouble coping with the changes and the intense escalation these new relationships represented: and any discussion of these feelings led to my wife lashing out at me emotionally (read up on PMDD and RSD you will know what I mean) This led to fights, misunderstandings, and lots of un-resolved feelings of jealousy and insecurity on my part as I felt she was starting to distance herself from me in many ways, like going to Dave for advice on family medical topics or other personal things without even discussing them with me. The emotional volatility on my wifes part made it even more difficult for me to make sure she had a venue to speak about her feelings also so things festered a little between us.

Whats worse about her symptoms is that they are almost lazer focused on Me and everything at home, as she spends all day masking, and unloads and vents when she is home. Its hurtfull because she reigns it in with other partners she's with but not me, and she cannot process that when I bring it up.

Another difficulty was Dave and Marissas marital problems were slowly turning into a game of telephone between my wife and I. You do not want to be inbetween or invested in another couples issues: especially if you cant help them.

The friction eventually led to Marissa and My wife falling out after a heart to heart, and they more or less broke up. Since then my wife won't be around her in person and only hears about her through Dave or I. From Marissas POV she was trying to convince my wife that she needs professional help, and that her mental health and conduct was driving a wedge between herself and I. From my wifes POV Marissa was just telling her what to do, and trying to control everyone. The PMDD problems continued to worsen with my wife untill she decided she wanted to break up with me after some unresolved tension and an argument on vacation which was set off by me asking her to put her phone down for a bit so we could enjoy the trip as a couple rather than ther being whatsapping Dave the whole time: This finally led to her admitting she had a problem and seeing helath professionals for medication and a diagnosis. - Its helping but she has a long, long way to go.

During the two and a bit years we have been with them, Dave and Marissa’s marriage more or less disintegrated though they still live together while they figure out how to co-parent their child (who is autistic) and how to physically seperate. They barely get along at this point since ther focuses are on my wife and I now mutually once they agreed they couldn't make it work together anymore. I personally find it hard to cope with knowing my wife and I may have been a catalyst for this breakup - Though they both asure me this isnt the case: they are simply not compatible: but she realized this after she met me. I wont go super into Dave and Marissas issues here, but he is a very needy person, always needs to be in contact with everyone and make himself useful to the point of intrusion, but ultimatly just wants to make people happy. Marissa is on the tail end of a battle with depression and autoimmune diseases, but is well on the way to recovery. For some reason they just couldnt make it work anymore.

As a result of this Dave and I dont see eachother anymore but are still friends and speak on the phone and game together occasionally. I think id be hearbroken if we stopped speaking, and given the circumstances of how our relationship formed, I think I need that friendship in order to cope with the relationship structure, especially regarding my wife.

I could end the relationship with them, my wife and I have an agreement that we will prioritize our family, close things up or end our relationship with them if one of us needed that. But ethically I don’t think that’s fair to anyone: I'm not entirely comfortable making my wife consent to breaking up with her partner if she doesnt want to. I just wish Her and Marissa could patch things up, because despite everything Dave and I get along really well to the point we have joked about running away to move to san-francisco or Provincetown together lol.

I also really enjoy my time with Marissa, I am in love with her. She’s funny, smart, tender, sensitive and gorgeous. Our chemistry on a personal level is off the charts and sexually nothing compares to her, ans our nights together are a mish mash of food, wild sex and lots of music. But this makes me feel wary. Is it NRE or somthing deeper? It’s been over two years now so perhaps it’s deeper. Shes also an amazing caring Mother, and gets along with my child extremely well, which means the world to me..

My feelings for Marissa make the issues my wife and I go through feel totally jarring, especially if she’s going through a PMDD phase and being borderline abusive, where Marissa just wants to have a good time, deep conversations, talk through problems, and nerd out with games or movies. She makes me feel cared for. It's even more jarring when my wife is going through a PMDD, and exposes our child to it (yelling, being unreasonably strict, and sometimes distant): Ive drawn a red line on her conduct in that regard, and will shield my child from this but anyone living with PMDD or a partner with PMDD will know its not that easy to switch it off or remove yourself from a situation.

Contrasts like this make me feel like ive fallen out of love with my wife, but it's always temporary just like her symptoms. Home is where she is.

What I’m struggling with is: do I give up on my marriage, break up my child’s home, and abandon my wife, and be with Marissa as a primary partner or even monogamously and live my life with her? Marissa has made it clear to me that she wants to spend her life with me once her divorce is finalzied, Ideally monogomously if that's what I want, but she isnt sure how long she can cope with not being able to wake up with me every morning.

It’s not my wife’s fault that she has PMDD, and she is doing her best to deal with it, but it’s taking its toll on me bit by bit, and making me a worse partner since Im more quick to run out of patience due to burn-out or compassion fatigue. She's beautiful, funny, bright and when she isnt at war with herself, she is a perfect mother and partner I just dont know how long I can stand the arguments and fighting and the baggage that it generates and doesnt resolve.

Do I leave Marissa and focus on my wife and help her through her issues? Can I even help? My instincts tell me I need to focus on my wife - but am I arrogant to think I can help or fix her - Or rather to expect her to get better? Obviously I may have to make that choice if my wife cant learn reign herself in with our child.

Do I want to pull that trigger and then watch my wife end up potentially monogomous with Dave? My instints tell me that her issues will eat him alive. - but then again that could be my ego speaking.

For now I'll continue to support and help my wife, enjoy our family, and enjoy my bond with Marissa, amnd friendship with Dave.

Obviously I have paiinted a grim picture here, but i'm venting. There is plenty of good in our lives, plenty of things we have to be thankfull, for and other normal challenges we all go though.

Anyways Reddit: I'd love to hear your opinion. At the end of the day All I want is an easier, happier time at home with my family, and for my wife to feel better, and for Marissa to be in my life.