Hi everyone.

I posted the other day but somehow my post ended up getting deleted. That’s fine because I wanted to be more detailed anyways and get something advice.

My husband (30 m) and I (29 f) have been together for 7 years and married for one. We have always had quite a bit of relationship issues, but things got a little better after we got married. I struggle with anxiety and OCD which makes life hard sometimes. My husband and I are very sexual people, and have a good sex life. This past summer he role played a scenario where one of his friends fucked me, which I thought was very hot. (This was just a talking scenario). We both had a convo about a few weeks later about maybe trying to have a threesome over summer (I didn’t care if with another girl or with another guy.) We agreed and were excited by the thought, that quickly turned into my husband suggesting I could also just fuck someone by myself. I was taken aback as this was not what I had in mind. He was very convincing of it (especially given our recent role play) and I expressed that although that’s very kind of him, I don’t think I would feel comfortable or supportive if he had the same arrangement with another woman. He laughed and understood and said it doesn’t have to be like that. I specifically remember him saying it would be okay if I didn’t support him back. I didn’t think any of this would ever even come true. I told him I don’t feel comfortable with many men so it would have to be with someone I trust and he suggested multiple mutual of ours. This all just seemed like more sexy role play tbh. Well, things then escalated quickly and literally that night he wanted me to find someone. We went to the bar and he was wanting me to talk to guys. I told him this isn’t really what I want and it feels too fast. Again, it would need to be with someone I trust. He understood. A few weeks later, he suggested I get with one of his newer friends. He was so excited by it and really wanted me to pursue him. Ultimately, with his full permission, I did pursue and have sex with his friend. I enjoyed it so much that my husband then began looking for other women as well, which I supported because I wanted to continue this experience. The first girl he found, I found myself becoming insecure and expressed this to him, and we talked about it. A month went by and he had talked to several girls but nothing came out of any of them. An opportunity arose for me to hook up with his friend again and he encouraged it. I triple checked in with him and he encouraged it. About a month after that, I told him I didn’t really want to see anyone else anymore as it didn’t feel fair that he wasn’t having any luck with anyone. On one particularly bad day I was having, he last minute let me know that he wasn taking a girl on a date. I unfortunately got very upset as I was already having a bad day and needed him, but after arguing about it for an hour he left and went anyways. We had created boundaries at the beginning of all of this and one of the boundaries stated if either of us ever felt uncomfortable or our mental health was being compromised at any point, we could stop everything 100% no questions asked. I felt betrayed because he did not abide by this rule we both agreed to. He was gone for a while and when he came back said he listened to my feelings and did not kiss her or do anything. It still hurt that I felt like I had no control over the situation and he would do what he wanted regardless of how distraught I was. After this, I had a really hard time giving him the go ahead again to try to pursue someone. I didn’t want to see anyone or do this anymore and wanted to go back to being monogamous. We agreed to be monogamous again for a few months and then reconvene to see how we felt. A few months went by and I checked in with him often, as I understood how he might feel not getting his turn, but he always told me he was happy being monogamous again and we had a great marriage again. We took trips, enjoyed our love, and even decided to start trying for a family. A month later, out of nowhere, he got extremely upset about all of this and said how devastated he has been over the situation not being fair, which I was shocked because I checked in literally a week prior and he said he was great. I felt awful but couldn’t just snap my fingers and agree to let him go do his thing again. We started seeing a poly coach which kind of made things worse when she told me to just suck it up and allow him his turn like he allowed me. I have been devastated for over a month now daily trying to grasp the thought of him being with another woman. It’s not something I want anymore and barely something I wanted at the time. I do feel responsible since I had my fun and he didn’t but if I allow this now that I’m out of that headspace, I worry I will literally spiral. We are seeing a new therapist soon but every day I have been so depressed and anxious. I don’t know what to do. I will forever feel guilty. Any helpful advice welcome. I have all the love in the world for my husband and completely empathize with him, I’m just trying to figure out how to get my mind to catch up.