Hey there,

my partner and I are together for over a decade. We had an ENM a couple of years ago but it didn´t work because we both struggled with mental health at this time and the communication between us was bad.

It did not work so we got back to monogamy. The problem was not the intimacy with other people (it was weird at the beginning, but it got better with time) I just felt like the other partners were more important than me and they chose them a couple times over spending time with me.

I know that my partner would like to open again but told me that the decision is up to me and they are happy no matter if it´s open or not. But i don´t know. I change my mind constantly.

On one hand there is this fear of losing them because they forget about me again. We worked on our relationship and communication and did not have problems the last years but it broke a little bit of me back then. It was the only time we had fights in all this years together.

On the other hand I trust them, our mental health are way better and I want them to be as happy as possible and I catch myself missing the feeling of the firsts and new.

Our sexlife is wonderful but we know each other in and out so our main reason is to experience stuff with new people.

This inner fight goes now for over a year and I can´t make up my mind and this is exhausting to be honest.

I don´t know what I expect from this post but I have no one to talk about this and I need to get it out my head.