Edit: to add, we have been together for 7 years and married for one. I’ve avoided posting for a long time as I’m sure I’m going to get some hate comments but I’m really seeking help as I’m losing hope. My husband (28 m) and I (27f) decided at the beginning of this past summer that we wanted to have a threesome, with no one particular in mind-just something we wanted to do. This was exciting to me but quickly turned into my husband saying I should just engage in a one sided sexual relationship (aka me being with someone alone) which definitely caught me off guard but I said fuck it, why not, I’ll be open minded. I told him honestly that idk how I would feel if he were to do the same and he said it wasn’t about him and not to worry, it was ok if I didn’t feel the same back. We created boundaries and I had my first sexual experience with another man two times over the span of a few months. During this time he began looking for someone to get with as well and I was ok with it but he kept saying things like “don’t worry it’s going to be a while”. Ultimately one day he did meet someone and I didn’t feel comfortable with him going to see her but he did anyways which made me feel like trust was broken, even though they didn’t do anything but hang out. I then realized after how upset I was by that that I didn’t want this anymore and we decided to go back to being monogamous for about 4 months. Everything was amazing during the 4 months back to monogamy and I feel like our sex life and relationship is better than ever. He randomly blew up on my about a month ago saying how angry he is with me about not getting a turn, which caught me off guard as I have checked in with him monthly to see how he feels. We started seeing a poly coach who has really not been too helpful and keeps telling us opposite things every session. Ultimately she told me the other day that I need to (in summarized words) just suck it up and get it over with and allow him to have sex with someone twice just like I did. I love him so much and want so badly to allow myself to give this to him but my heart absolutely shatters when I think about it. I so badly just want to give this to him and I totally understand why he feels like this, I’m just sad. I never wanted things to be like this and I hate myself for even agreeing to any of this. I’m just looking for any advice on how I can relax enough to allow him to have his turn without losing my absolute mind in the process. I suffer from an anxiety disorder already as well as OCD and this has made me spiral for the last month. We are reading all the books and putting in work with our coach but at this point, I’m at a loss as to why my brain won’t accept it. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How did it turn out once you let them? Were you able to get through it? I’m worried this is going to affect my mental health in the long run if I allow him, but I know it’s affecting his now which is not what I want either.