I've been dating a woman I met off a different dating app for a year and a half now. Before we ever met we both said we were open to exploring different relationship dynamics and weren't set on monogamy. We're both early 30's.

A few months into our relationship I was getting feelings like she wasn't going to be my primary partner (I am looking for a hierarchal poly relationship with a primary partner and the ability to have other FWBs type relationships). She is sure she wants kids, I am not sure, in fact I'm fairly certain I don't want kids but could see it with the right person. Her financial sensibilities are just not what I want in a primary partner. These are the two main things that I think makes us incompatible, plus just general feelings I have of wanting to continue to explore and find someone with different qualities for a primary.

A few months into dating I told her this. This was before we really committed to ENM so I told her I didn't think this would work long term but really enjoyed being with her. She said she was feeling similarly and suggested we could stay FWBs while we each continued dating and looking for a more compatible connection.

Well, it's been over a year and neither of us have dated anyone else yet but at least I am still looking. We've discussed non-monogamy and I told her that while I am still looking to date others it's within the context of ENM so I wouldn't necessarily have to end our relationship just because I found another.

We both started reading Polysecure and I've realized through reading it (though I've kinda always known) that I may be having some avoidant tendencies and that stems from the feeling that I think she may be wanting more with me than I want with her.

Since our initial conversation about just being FWBs I think both of our feelings have grown for each other, but I get the sense that hers might have grown more than mine, to the point where she is looking for a more serious relationship than we have. This is all just an assumption though, we've checked in with each other a few times since then and have always been in a good place, knowing we may not be compatible for more but enjoying what we have currently and wanting to continue it. Right now we see each other generally 2 days/nights a week (consecutively).

We're going to have another check in and compare notes from our reading of Polysecure. I feel like I have to tell her than my avoidant attachment is stemming from the feeling that I think she wants a more serious relationship than I do and I am avoiding talking more about the relationship and exposing that.

But at the same time I realize she's an adult, she's in therapy. We've already stated these things. She must know and must be ok with it to some extent. So maybe I'm overblowing how much of a shock this would be to her, in fact it probably wouldn't be at all. But I'm trying to prepare myself for a scenario where she admits she wants more and wants to be primaries.

I guess I just have to tell her that I cannot commit to that. That I really love and value our relationship, that it's important to me. I do not intend to change our relationship, I do not intend to just drop her when I find someone else. Etc.

Anyways, now I'm ranting and I'm just looking for some more advice on how to handle this conversation. Maybe I'll be surprised, maybe she isn't looking for more, like I said I think she knows these things because we have talked about it before, I just can't shake the feeling that her feelings have progressed quite a bit.