I've been interested in and learning about ENM for a few years now. I've read The Ethical Slut and Polysecure, I've frequented this sub, I've been using the Feeld app to find dates.

Only recently have I started to encounter potential scenarios where I'd actually be practicing ENM and it feels kind of crazy. Intuitively I know I want this, or to give it a shot at the very least, but it just feels so crazy and like it will be extremely difficult.

For context I'm a straight male in my early 30's, in NYC. There's a lot going on in the dating scene here so I have that going for me at least. I have determined that I want a hierarchal polyamorous relationship structure, having a primary partner with the ability to maintain other relationships (FWBs or more).

I've been dating a woman I met off a different dating app (not Feeld) for a bit over a year now. Before we ever met we both said we were open to exploring different relationship dynamics and weren't set on monogamy.

A few months into our relationship I was getting feelings like she wasn't "the one" (I realize that's a mononormative term but this was before I really committed to ENM) and that we may not be compatible long-term. She wanted kids, I was pretty sure I didn't. I was getting a sense she wasn't quite up to my standards in terms of how she approaches finances. I have some pretty specific financial goals for an early retirement and want someone to "team up" with in this sense, I was getting the feeling she might make retiring early harder, not easier. Though I never really shared this with her or learned much about her financial situation, I just know she has some CC debt (balance transferred so she's not yet paying interest), and can only just pay her day to day expenses with her income (yet she went on a big trip to Europe last year, bit of a red flag).

So I told her I didn't see us working out long term. She said she was feeling similarly (though I don't know her reasons) and suggested we be FWBs until one of us finds a potential serious partner. Then we realized if we were fully committed to ENM we could be FWBs (or more) in perpetuity, even when we or both of us finds a primary partner.

We continued to date each other while seeking out other dates. It's been about a year since then. We're still together and have no other significant partners.

My feelings for her have developed quite a bit and I know her feelings for me have too. We're definitely more than FWBs. We currently spend a couple days/nights a week together. I can't shake the fact that if it weren't for the kids thing she would want to be my primary. I'm not sure I feel the same, kids aside I'm just not sure I see her as a primary.

It's just feeling kind of weird continuing to try and date and find a primary and worry about what will happen with my current relationship when I do find a potential primary. It's tough as a straight male in this scene, I know and accept that. I'm just starting to feel a bit crazy for doing this and wondering if anyone has been in the same position before.