I've recently adopted a rule that dating is kind of like gambling: you should put in only as much energy as you're willing to lose. It's actually been nice, I've cut off a couple of potential relationships because I was the one doing the work to keep the connection alive. Also, I recently lost a hell of a lot of emotional energy on somebody that said she was interested in a potential relationship and then changed her mind.

I matched with this woman on Feeld who is my age and attractive. She is married. I'm kind of looking for a primary partner situation. Her husband has a long-term girlfriend and she's looking for something similar. Okay, that's a maybe.

We had one date, drinks and the banter went well and the kiss at the end was fun.

But then she was traveling for the holidays. Just as a rule, I don't text people a lot when they're traveling for fun because I feel like they have other things to do. If they're bored and they reach out, cool we can chat. But I'm not going to initiate because I don't want them to feel like they need to get back to me. Just focus on your vacation and have a good time, you know? Plus mostly I use texting to set up plans. You can burn up a lot of time texting somebody that turns out to be a flake.

I tried to set up plans with her when she got back and she said something like

Well you've been kind of quiet, I just don't feel like we have a good connection because I like to feel like I'm pursued

We chatted some more but I think we can stop here and get to the root of the question: are men just expected to put more energy into dating? At this point she hadn't put much energy in at all. And I've spent lots of time /energy pursuing women who are married and then decided that they were going to stop being non-monogamous or just didn't want to date right now because they needed to focus on their family etc.

I feel like in this case she wants to feel adored/pursued and I might be in a situation where I'm spending a lot of energy pursuing somebody who is not going to give that energy back. It feels like what she wants is an energy imbalance: I put it in and she gives some of it back.

What do you think of this "only put in as much energy as you're willing to lose" approach to dating?