Searching for some kind words, yet honest, direct advice needed.

I (single 38F) am questioning whether ENM truly is right for me and I guess I‘d like to hear HOW people truly decided ENM was right for them. The only friends I have are monogamous and only see their paths as romance-centric, marriage with kids - so their opinions hit me a little harshly and I feel judged by them, even though I know they love me. I do often feel like I’m on a timeline to get married and have kids, even through I’ve never truly envisioned that for myself.

My ENM experience: I’ve been dating somebody (married 41M) for the last couple of years and have stepped into ENM because I was so drawn to him - and when dating, I fear dating monogamously because I am afraid to lose our connection. I’ve recently met another married 40M and truly enjoyed talking about how ENM has enriched his life and has strengthened his marriage. And I’m excited to see where that goes. I’ve worked through a lot of the jealousy with being a secondary or even feeling disposable at times. I know I do want more, but the dating scene whether ENM or Monogamy suuucks.

My issues aren’t with them, it’s the relationship structure. I’ve had my ups and downs with ENM so far, but have learnt A LOT on how to communicate better and for what I want. I am missing emotional connection, however. I just want somebody who is able to be more consistent.

But some days I feel like I’m potentially missing out by dating essentially as solo-poly and that it could be costing me a loving relationship with maybe an exclusive monogamous partner. This fear gets heightened when I’m with my single friends that don’t understand ENM and challenge my choices. At the same time, the shittier relationship issues I’ve had in the recent past have all come from “monogamous” partners who’ve either cheated, lied, or ghosted. I don’t believe marriage or kids begets security. But I do just feel like I’m teetering between the two and just uncertain about it.

I guess I wish I could say with confidence which structure I choose, but I’m still not there yet. Has anybody else felt this way? Anything in particular that helped show you the way?