Hi, my partner and I are in a 20 year open gay relationship. We've been open since the beginning, closing up a few times to focus on our core relationship. Our agreement is outside sex is ok, outside romantic love is not. We both understand that caring and emotions may get involved, but no falling in love.

3 weeks ago, I found out that my partner "fell in love" with someone else (his words, not mine). I would characterize it more like a deep attachment that went beyond our agreement. He was deeply attached with a lot of longing, obsession, etc. He has chosen to break up with the affair partner, but is in mourning / crying / deeply hurt about the breakup (affair fog?). We are in agreement that he ignored his commitments to me and we are working through it with individual and marriage counseling.

I would love to hear about people's experiences in nonmonogamous, nonpoly open relationship settings, esp. from same-sex couples, specifically:

1. How did you deal with it during crisis mode? What did you do the same vs. different from general advice out there (generally targeted towards monogamous couples)?
2. Did you keep the relationship open after finding out about the infidelity, or did you close it up (temporarily or permanently)?
3. In the longer-term, did you stay or leave? Was your next relationship a monogamous, open, poly, or other type of arrangement? Why / why not? How did you deal with it long-term? Anything different than general monogamy advice?
4. Any recommendations for resources or support specific to infidelity in nonmonogamy, nonpoly open relationships?

Note: I am using nonpoly not to exclude open relationships from the poly spectrum but rather to specify the nature of our relationship. We did not have a polyamorous agreement beyond open sexual relationship. Unfortunately, a lot of monogamous or poly advice I've read have been hard to extrapolate to my setting. No offense intended.