Married for 10 years. In my past, I have always used sex as a tool to get someone to like me, and once that was established, my need for sex was gone.

Husband and I have now been together about 20 years. We had a child ten years ago, and the sex dwindled. Over the past few years it became non-existent. We decided to open up for him to explore his sexuality outside the relationship. When that happened, I also explored mine. I found it was so much easier to be vulnerable with others. It felt great, and I’d come home and tell my husband and we’d get super aroused and started having great sex. After a few months my husband and I lost that connection and we went back to old ways and no intimacy. The problem is that now my husband can’t see a future for us without that sexual connection. I get it. But I can’t decide if I truly don’t want sex, don’t want sex with him, or if there’s something about us that needs to change for me to feel connected enough to get back to how we were when the sex was great.

I have a history of major attachment issues, and although my marriage has always been very secure, I’m wondering if anyone has suggestions as to how to feel more secure with him in order to be vulnerable. Why can I be so loose with strangers yet turned off by the idea of fucking my own husband who I love so so dearly. (Everything else is amazing in the relationship for the record. Happy, healthy, team parents etc and he’s a very gentle sweet guy)

TL;DR why am I scared to let loose with my sexuality with my husband. I have kinks! I want to be wild. But the thought of it causes me so much stress and anxiety that I feel disgust at the thought.