Alright, I started this bad boy off with a terrible joke so that someone might actually open it and give me some real advice.

I've been struggling with how to even start this. So I'll do bullet points. And if you feel so inclined you can ask more in my DM's

I'm mostly posting to see if anyone has any advice from similar experiences or someone they know having a similar experience. Or maybe an outside perspective on what I should do. Also I know I said bullet points and then stay wrote out a ton of information, but there are things that I left off just because it's so much.

• I'm 31M years old and have spent the last 12 years in a monogamous relationship with 29F, we had one experience about 7 years ago where we tried to open up our marriage and see a couple 41F&50M that we both liked, and one experience where she slept with another woman 30F so that she could explore her sexuality (religious upbringing and bisexual). We both decided open relationships and polyamory weren't really for us. •we decided this year in March that we would amicably divorce and continue raising our child together (4y/o)

•I had a friend 29F who checked on me one night when I was extremely despondent and depressed due to the divorce (I was the one who brought up the divorce and wanting one, but we both agreed that it was for the best. That does not however negate the sadness I feel now that a 12-year friendship and marriage is ending) this friend then proceeded to proclaim their love for me that they'd been hiding for quite some time apparently. This worked on me as I was in a very low place and for the first time in our relationship I cheated.

•after I was dumped by 30F I fell into a spiral and asked my wife about trying to work on a marriage. I know this was not the right thing to do and we have discussed it as well as my guilt around it, but I mostly wanted to work on the marriage because I thought that my life outside of the marriage was going to just be more and more heartbreak like what happened with me when I trusted somebody I thought it was a friend. Which is not okay. •after some time the woman of the poly couple from our past and I (who have had a flirtation going the entire time) expressed her interest in me. And probably a month or so into our hangouts (which had remained non-sexual other than discussion. No kissing, touching, etc...) I told her that I had strong feelings for her that I had felt since we've tried opening our relationship in the past.

•the aforementioned to 41F then went to her husband 50M and told him that she was feeling quite strongly for me and wanted to open their marriage back up (it had apparently been closed because of covid and had remained that way until recently). •she and I have since been spending a lot of time together and professing deep genuine love for one another (we are both neuro divergent ADHD and married to people who are also neurodivergent ASD) well as feelings of understanding we have never felt from a partner before. Both of our respective partners (I'm still technically married to my wife until the divorce is finalized) no let me feel this way about one another.

•I still feel the same way I have always felt about monogamy and polyamory, which is to say that I am a monogamous person. There's no right or wrong way to love, but my preference is to be with a single partner and for that partner to be with me.

•for the past few years her husband has been extremely depressive as has my wife (which only adds to the understanding and our feelings for one another) but lately she's been telling me about issues she and her husband have been having, he's not present for her or their child, he refuses to leave the house and goes back on commitments he's made, he never seems to recognize his autistic burnout for what it is or take appropriate steps to keep it from happening or to reduce harm, and these issues are constantly causing fights (which until recently we're never in front of their child).

•while she's telling me about the issues she and her husband have been having, she's also telling me how easily we communicate, how emotionally intelligent I am, how easy and right this feels, thanking me for just being kind to her and being there for her.

•I've been trying very hard not to say anything about me thinking she should get a divorce or about him not fulfilling his role as a partner as it isn't my relationship and I'm trying to be respectful of the fact that she is polyamorous even though I'm not, and maintain healthy boundaries. However it's getting harder every time I have to hear about something he's done wrong for a fight he's caused or how he apologizes and recognizes the thing the next day or after he takes a 2 hour nap or something like that, but then repeats the same actions again.

•From the stories she's told, and what I've seen of their relationship. She's been mostly unhappy in these polyamorous relationships. She's also told me that if she does decided she wanted to pursue someone else she would let me know and we would have a discussion about it beforehand and she's not pursue if I wasn't comfortable with it, but that she was not actively looking, because I am enough currently.

•I've told her that I don't want her to give up polyamory unless that's something she genuinely wants to do because I love her and if it's something that makes her happy and she considers a part of her being then I will try to be understanding talk through any jealousy issues or uncomfortable feelings I have. I'm also here trying to find out more about polyamory to better understand her and her feelings. And maybe be able to explore polyamory with her one day if that's what we both end up wanting.